Pre-Planning a Funeral as a Couple: Making Joint Decisions and Documenting Your Wishes

When couples talk about planning ahead, it often starts with the practical things: “Do we have life insurance?” “Where are the passwords?” “Who’s on the mortgage?” But pre-need funeral planning is its own category of care, and it can feel strangely emotional to bring up—because it forces you to imagine a day you don’t want to picture. The reason it’s worth doing anyway is simple: when one partner dies first, the surviving spouse is usually grieving and exhausted while also becoming the default decision-maker. Joint funeral planning is one of the few ways to lower the stress of that moment without taking away the meaning of the goodbye.

If you’re searching phrases like pre plan funeral as a couple or funeral planning for spouses, you’re probably trying to solve two problems at once. You want to align on the big decisions—budget, burial vs. cremation, the kind of gathering that fits your values—and you also want a way to put those decisions somewhere safe so your family isn’t guessing later. The good news is that you don’t have to finish every detail in one sitting. In fact, the best plans are the ones you can do in pieces, revisit over time, and update as your finances and family situation change.

Why couples are planning earlier now

Planning ahead can feel like tempting fate, but in reality it’s responding to how common cremation has become—and how many options come with it. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the U.S. cremation rate is projected to be 63.4% in 2025, and NFDA projects it will continue rising over time. The Cremation Association of North America reports the U.S. cremation rate was 61.8% in 2024. Those aren’t abstract numbers; they show why more couples find themselves talking about urns, keepsakes, scattering plans, and costs—because cremation isn’t a single decision anymore. It’s a set of choices that can be thoughtful and personal, or stressful and rushed, depending on whether you talk about them in advance.

Couples also plan earlier because the “default” assumptions aren’t universal. One partner may want a traditional service with a viewing. The other may want a small gathering, a simple cremation, and something intimate at home. Neither is wrong. The point is that if you don’t talk about it now, someone else will make those decisions later, and they’ll do it while carrying grief.

The couple’s conversation that makes everything else easier

Most planning conversations go better when you start with three grounding questions: What matters most to us? What can we realistically afford? And who do we want making decisions if one of us can’t?

That last question sounds obvious—“my spouse, of course”—but couples are often surprised by how much smoother things go when you name a backup, too. Travel delays happen. Family conflict happens. Sometimes the surviving spouse is too overwhelmed to handle every call and signature in the first few days. A simple, written plan that names the primary decision-maker and the backup can prevent the painful stall that happens when everyone is waiting for someone else to step forward. If you want a practical way to put this in writing, Funeral.com’s guide What to Put in a Cremation Plan Letter: A Fill-in-the-Blank Template is a calming starting point that many couples use as their “first draft.”

Budgeting together without turning it into a fight

Money is where couples can get stuck—not because they don’t care, but because they care differently. One partner may be thinking, “I don’t want you burdened financially.” The other may be thinking, “I don’t want the goodbye to feel minimal.” The way through is to set a budget range and then agree on priorities inside that range.

A helpful anchor is knowing what families commonly pay for services that include cremation. NFDA reports the national median cost of a funeral with cremation (including a viewing and funeral service) was $6,280 for 2023, and it lists those figures on its statistics page. That number isn’t a quote for your local area, but it’s a reality check that helps couples talk in a shared language: “Are we aiming for direct cremation and a memorial later, or a service with the funeral home? Are we paying for a reception? Are we planning for travel?” If you want a deeper walk-through of pricing structures and common add-ons, Funeral.com’s How Much Does Cremation Cost in the U.S.? can help you separate “headline price” from what’s actually included.

One practical point that many couples find empowering: under the FTC’s Funeral Rule, consumers have the right to receive a General Price List and make itemized choices. The FTC explains the rule and price list requirements in Complying with the Funeral Rule and on its Funeral Rule topic page. Knowing you can compare itemized costs tends to lower the anxiety that turns budget conversations into conflict.

Choosing cremation as a couple, then deciding what happens next

If you’ve aligned on cremation, the next question is usually the one people don’t expect: “What do we want done with the ashes?” Couples often assume they’ll know later, but the reality is that the “ashes plan” shapes almost everything else—what kind of urn you need, whether you want multiple keepsakes, whether you’re planning a water burial, and how you want to handle keeping ashes at home.

A simple way to approach this as a couple is to agree on a “center + sharing” plan. That might mean one primary urn for the home or cemetery, plus smaller keepsakes for children or close family. Or it might mean a primary urn plus one piece of cremation jewelry for the surviving spouse. When you plan this together, it prevents a common heartbreak: only one household feeling like they “get” the remains, while everyone else feels excluded.

If you want to browse options as you think it through, starting with clear categories can keep the decision from feeling overwhelming. Many families begin with cremation urns for ashes for the broadest range, then narrow based on what your plan actually requires. If you know you want something compact or you anticipate sharing, it can be helpful to look specifically at small cremation urns and keepsake urns so the size matches the intention instead of the label.

Choosing an urn together: size, material, and “where it will live”

Couples often think choosing an urn is a design preference, but it’s usually a placement preference in disguise. Where do you imagine the urn living—on a shelf at home, in a columbarium niche, buried, scattered, or used in a ceremony? The answer determines the kind of urn that makes sense. Funeral.com’s guide How to Choose a Cremation Urn walks through those decision points in a calm way, including how to think about secure closures and household safety if you’re keeping ashes at home.

If your plan includes sharing, it helps to name it directly in your notes: “Primary urn stays with surviving spouse” or “Primary urn goes to the cemetery; keepsakes go to children.” For many couples, the “sharing” step is where keepsake urns become a gentle solution instead of an afterthought—especially when adult children live in different states and everyone is grieving the same person in different ways.

Cremation jewelry as part of a couple’s plan

Some couples want a memorial that doesn’t require a dedicated space in the home. That’s where cremation necklaces and other cremation jewelry can fit beautifully. Think of it as a tiny, symbolic portion that’s carried—not the full plan for the remains. If you’re exploring this option, you can browse Funeral.com’s cremation jewelry collection or look specifically at cremation necklaces when a pendant feels like the most natural choice. For a practical explanation of how ashes jewelry works (including filling and sealing), the Journal guide Cremation Jewelry Guide is a helpful read before you buy anything.

If pets are part of your family, plan for that too

Couples don’t always realize how connected pet loss can be to end-of-life planning. A dog or cat may have been part of your life together for fifteen years, and the grief can land in the same place in the body. If you want a plan that reflects your actual family, it’s worth having a brief conversation now: “If something happens, do we want our pets cremated? Would we keep the ashes? Would we want a shared keepsake?”

If you’re browsing options, Funeral.com organizes pet memorials in a way that makes the decision calmer. You can start with pet urns for ashes for the full range, or narrow to styles that feel like home, such as pet figurine cremation urns for ashes. If you know you want a sharing plan, pet keepsake cremation urns are designed for smaller portions, which can make it easier for both partners to feel connected to the memorial. For families who want guidance in plain language, Pet Urns for Ashes: A Complete Guide for Dog and Cat Owners is a solid starting point.

Water burial, scattering, and the details couples are glad they clarified

Many couples are drawn to the idea of water because it feels peaceful—an ocean goodbye, a lake at sunrise, a river that mattered in your story. But water burial and scattering at sea come with real rules and practical logistics, and those details are easier to handle when you’re not in crisis.

In the United States, the EPA’s burial-at-sea guidance includes a key requirement: cremated remains must be placed at least three nautical miles from land in ocean waters. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency states the three-nautical-mile requirement, and the underlying federal regulation is reflected in 40 CFR 229.1. Funeral.com’s plain-language guide Water Burial and Burial at Sea: What “3 Nautical Miles” Means helps couples understand what that looks like in real life—especially if you’re coordinating with a charter or trying to picture how the moment actually happens.

If a biodegradable urn is part of your plan, it helps to decide together whether you want a “float-then-sink” moment (a visible pause on the surface) or a “sink-right-away” design (more controlled, especially in wind). Funeral.com’s guide Biodegradable Water Urns for Ashes explains these differences in a way that couples often find reassuring—because the goal is not perfection, it’s peace.

Documenting your wishes so your spouse isn’t guessing

Most couples don’t need a complicated binder to make their plan effective. They need clarity in three places: who is authorized to act, what the plan is, and where the information lives. If you want a gentle, structured approach, Funeral.com’s How to Preplan a Funeral is designed to be completed in pieces, which is exactly how couples actually do it.

As you write, it can help to include a few concrete lines that remove ambiguity. Couples often do well with statements like these, written in their own words: “Disposition preference is cremation.” “We want a memorial gathering within three months.” “We want an ashes plan that includes a primary urn and two keepsakes.” “If the surviving spouse is overwhelmed, the backup decision-maker is allowed to coordinate logistics.” Those lines don’t eliminate grief—but they eliminate guessing.

If cremation is part of your plan, you may also want to document how you want the remains handled in the first week: kept in the temporary container until you’re ready, transferred into an urn at home, or placed with a cemetery. Funeral.com’s guide Keeping Cremation Ashes at Home can help you think through storage, sealing, and practical household safety in a way that feels steady rather than alarmist.

How to review the plan over time as life changes

Couples’ lives change. Adult children marry. Grandchildren arrive. A move happens. Finances tighten or loosen. That’s why the best plan isn’t “done,” it’s reviewed. A simple rhythm is to revisit your plan once a year—often around tax time—when you’re already looking at paperwork. The goal isn’t to reinvent everything; it’s to confirm the decision-maker names and contact info, make sure your budget range still reflects reality, and update any preferences that no longer feel true.

Many couples also find it helpful to keep a “quick instructions” page—one page that answers the questions your spouse would have in the first 24 hours. If you’re not sure what belongs on that page, Funeral.com’s article What to Bring to the Funeral Home Arrangement Meeting is a surprisingly useful guide, because it reflects what providers actually ask for when arrangements are being made.

Where urns and keepsakes fit into a couple’s preplanning, gently

Some couples worry that looking at urns in advance is “too much.” If that’s how it feels, you can keep it simple: choose a category and a tone rather than a specific product. For example, you might write, “We want a classic, understated urn,” or “We want something that looks like décor,” or “We want a nature-inspired style.” When the time comes, that guidance helps your spouse make a choice that feels aligned, without forcing you to pick every detail today.

If you do want to browse, it’s often easiest to begin with the core category—cremation urns—and then narrow based on whether your plan involves sharing. If sharing is part of your plan, looking at small cremation urns for ashes and keepsake cremation urns for ashes can keep the choice aligned with what you actually want to do with the remains. If you want a wearable keepsake for daily life, browsing cremation jewelry can be a comforting “add-on” to a larger plan rather than a replacement for it.

Planning together doesn’t take grief away. It takes pressure away. And for many couples, that’s the real gift: knowing that if one partner dies first, the other won’t have to make every decision in the fog. The plan becomes a quiet promise you made to each other—one last way to show up with love.

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