One of the most confusing parts of grief is how inconsistent it can feel. One hour you’re teary and raw, thinking about what you wish you’d said. The next, you’re answering emails, feeding the dog, comparing prices, or researching cremation urns for ashes like you’re someone who has it all together. Then, without warning, you’re back in the loss again.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I avoiding this?” or “Why can’t I stay in one emotional place?”, the dual process model grief framework offers a surprisingly comforting answer: the back-and-forth is not a sign you’re doing grief wrong. For many people, it’s part of how the nervous system survives something that feels too big to hold all at once.
This matters not only for emotional health, but for real-world decisions. Grief and funeral planning often collide in the same week. You may be choosing between keepsake urns and small cremation urns, deciding whether keeping ashes at home feels right, or trying to understand water burial rules while you’re still in shock. The goal of this guide is to explain the model in plain language and then gently connect it to the practical choices families face, including cremation urns, pet urns for ashes, pet cremation urns, and cremation jewelry.
What the Dual Process Model Actually Says (In Human Language)
The Stroebe Schut model (the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement) describes grief as an oscillation loss and restoration process. In simple terms, it suggests that most grieving people move between two modes.
In loss oriented coping, your attention leans toward the person (or pet) who died and the reality of what happened. This is the mode where you cry, long, replay memories, feel anger, feel disbelief, or find yourself staring at their photo and realizing your body still expects them to walk in the door. It can be quiet or dramatic, but it is oriented toward the bond and the pain of its disruption.
In restoration oriented coping, your attention leans toward what life requires now: new routines, roles, logistics, paperwork, budgeting, decisions, and the practical re-building that follows a death. This is the mode where you handle the phone calls, learn what the next steps are, keep your household running, and do the work of creating a life that can hold grief and still function.
The core idea is not that you “pick one.” It’s that healthy adaptation often involves movement between them. The model describes the ability to shift—sometimes hour by hour—as part of coping, not as failure. The oscillation itself can act like a pressure valve: it gives your mind breaks from intense emotion, and it gives your body breaks from relentless problem-solving.
Why “Back and Forth” Can Be Healthy (Not Avoidance)
Many people worry that stepping away from grief means denial. But the Dual Process Model makes an important distinction: taking a break from grief is not the same as refusing to grieve. Oscillation is not “never feeling.” It’s “feeling, then resting,” and “doing, then returning.”
It can help to imagine grief as something your system metabolizes in doses. Deep loss-oriented moments can be necessary, but they also consume energy. Restoration-oriented tasks—like bathing, paying bills, or researching what to do with ashes—can create structure when everything feels shapeless. Then, when your system has steadied, grief can come back into focus again.
In real life, this looks like “I cried in the shower, then I made the appointment.” Or “I spent the morning looking at urns, then I couldn’t stop thinking about the sound of their laugh.” The model says: yes. That’s often how it goes.
How This Model Helps With Funeral Planning and Memorial Decisions
Grief is emotional, but it is also logistical. And the logistical side can be intense, especially when your family is choosing cremation, dealing with ashes, or trying to coordinate multiple households. Cremation is also becoming increasingly common in the U.S., which means more families are navigating these decisions as part of everyday bereavement.
According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the U.S. cremation rate is projected at 63.4% for 2025, and the burial rate is projected at 31.6%. By 2045, NFDA projects cremation will reach 82.3%. If you want the fuller context behind those projections, NFDA summarizes them in its 2025 Cremation & Burial Report news release.
The Cremation Association of North America also reports the U.S. cremation rate at 61.8% for 2024. The point of these numbers isn’t to turn grief into a statistic. It’s to normalize what you’re experiencing: many families are dealing with ashes and memorialization choices now, and there are more options—and more questions—than previous generations had to consider.
When you apply the Dual Process Model to funeral planning, something clicks. A decision like choosing an urn often isn’t “just shopping.” It’s restoration-oriented coping: you are creating a stable plan for where remains will be, how a memorial will work, and how your family will have something tangible to orient around. At the same time, every choice can pull you into loss-oriented grief: “This is real. This is what we’re doing because they’re gone.”
A simple way to name the two modes in the same day
If it helps to put language to it, here are a few common examples of each mode. These are not rules—just recognizable patterns that can reduce shame.
- Loss oriented coping often looks like: crying spells, yearning, replaying the hospital moment, feeling numb, anger at the unfairness, talking to the person who died, missing their physical presence, or needing quiet.
- Restoration oriented coping often looks like: choosing a memorial plan, coordinating siblings, deciding on a service format, figuring out how much does cremation cost, returning to work, handling legal paperwork, setting up a home routine, or deciding where ashes will be kept or scattered.
Notice what’s missing from that list: “being consistent.” The model doesn’t require consistency. It expects oscillation.
When You’re in Restoration Mode, Make Decisions That Reduce Future Stress
Some days, you’ll wake up and feel capable. Those are often the days people end up making meaningful decisions: choosing a memorial object, selecting an urn, deciding whether ashes stay at home for a while, or planning a scattering ceremony. If you can gently accept that those days are restoration-oriented coping, you can use them wisely—without forcing yourself to “stay practical” when your body needs to grieve later.
If cremation is part of your plan, the most grounding question is often: “What is the next chapter for the ashes?” For many families, the first chapter is simply keeping ashes at home so decisions can be made at a human pace. If you’re considering that, Funeral.com’s guide to keeping ashes at home walks through safe placement, household considerations, and what feels respectful in real life.
From there, many families choose one of a few common paths: a primary urn at home, a cemetery placement, scattering on land, water burial, or a blended plan (for example, a home urn plus keepsakes for adult children). The right plan is the one that matches your family’s values and your real-world logistics.
Cremation urns, small urns, and keepsakes: “One plan” can still mean “many pieces”
If you want a broad starting point for browsing, Funeral.com’s collection of cremation urns for ashes lets you see the range of materials and styles, which can help you learn what feels comforting rather than merely “appropriate.”
When families want to share ashes among siblings or create multiple memorial points (for example, one urn in each home), that’s where small cremation urns and keepsake urns become practical and emotionally meaningful. You can browse small cremation urns for ashes (often used for a larger “share” that still remains compact) and keepsake cremation urns for ashes (typically used for a symbolic portion).
If you want the differences explained without overwhelm, Funeral.com’s Journal piece Keepsake Urns 101 is a calm, practical read for families deciding how to share or display ashes safely.
Cremation jewelry and “carrying the bond” on restoration days
For some people, restoration-oriented coping means returning to daily life while still needing a private sense of connection. That’s one reason cremation jewelry can feel so supportive. A pendant does not replace an urn. It creates a small, wearable link to the person who died, which can be especially helpful during workdays, travel, or public events where grief is invisible.
If that resonates, you can browse cremation necklaces and explore practical guidance in the Journal article Cremation Necklaces and Pendants for Ashes. Many families also like the versatility of cremation charms and pendants when they want a smaller profile or a piece designed for layering.
Pet Loss Fits This Model Too (And Often Intensifies the Oscillation)
Pet grief can be especially disorienting because it often includes daily routine disruption. You don’t just lose a companion—you lose the pattern: feeding, walks, the sound of paws, the warm weight on the couch. That can make oscillation more frequent: you’re crying one minute and washing the water bowl the next.
If you’re navigating pet loss, the same practical questions can arise: Where will the ashes be? Will they be kept at home? Will multiple family members want a portion? The collections for pet urns for ashes and pet cremation urns include a wide range of styles and sizes because families memorialize pets in many different ways.
Two categories often feel especially “livable” in a home. One is pet figurine cremation urns, which can feel like décor and presence rather than a stark reminder. If you’ve ever worried about buying the wrong size for a figurine style, the Journal guide Pet Figurine Urns: How to Choose the Right Style Without Getting Size Wrong is designed to prevent the “it doesn’t fit” stress.
The other is sharing. Many families create a blended plan: one primary pet urn and smaller keepsakes for children, partners, or adult siblings. For that, pet keepsake cremation urns are specifically designed for symbolic portions.
Water Burial, Scattering, and the “What Do We Do With the Ashes?” Question
The question what to do with ashes can feel deceptively simple. Underneath it is a deeper question: “What kind of goodbye helps us live afterward?” Some families want a permanent place. Others want release. Others want a plan that unfolds in stages.
If your family is considering water burial, it helps to clarify terms early. Some families mean scattering on the ocean surface. Others mean placing a water-soluble urn into the water so it dissolves and releases remains gradually. Those experiences feel different in the moment, and the right container depends on which one you want. Funeral.com’s guide water burial and burial at sea explains the difference in plain language.
For ocean burial at sea in the U.S., the EPA provides practical rules and reporting guidance. The EPA’s burial at sea page explains, among other requirements, that EPA notification is required within 30 days after a burial at sea. If you’re in the earlier stages and simply want to understand where scattering is typically allowed (land, water, parks), this Funeral.com guide can help you gather facts before family debate: Where Can You Scatter Ashes?
If you’re trying to decide between scattering, water burial, and cemetery placement, this comparison guide is often the most calming place to start because it ties the urn choice to the plan: Scattering vs. Water Burial vs. Burial.
Costs and the Restoration Side of Grief: Naming What’s Real Without Guilt
Money decisions can trigger guilt in grief. People worry that budgeting means they’re being less loving. In reality, cost is part of caring for the living. One of the kindest restoration-oriented steps you can take is to get clear, factual anchors for cost—then make choices that fit your family without spiraling.
If you’re asking how much does cremation cost, you’re not being cold. You’re trying to reduce uncertainty. On the factual side, the NFDA statistics page reports median costs for funerals (including figures for burial and cremation options). On the practical side—what gets bundled, what varies by region, and what questions prevent surprises—Funeral.com’s guide how much does cremation cost in the U.S. breaks down common fees and decision points in plain language.
For families who prefer to reduce future stress through advance planning, Funeral.com’s Journal article on funeral planning and preplanning is written for real families who want clarity without being pressured into a prepaid plan they don’t fully understand.
How to Support Yourself Using the Dual Process Model
The Dual Process Model becomes most helpful when it stops being theory and starts being permission. You can begin to notice which mode you’re in and respond accordingly. Not to control grief, but to cooperate with it.
On a loss-oriented day, it can be wise to lower the “should” bar. Your system may need quiet, tears, or a slow morning. On a restoration-oriented day, it can be wise to choose one or two tasks that create stability—then stop. The goal is not to become productive. The goal is to build a life that can hold grief without collapsing.
Many people find it helpful to create a gentle “two-track” practice:
- Choose one small loss-oriented action that honors the bond: write a short note, look at photos for five minutes, talk to them, or sit with a candle.
- Choose one small restoration-oriented action that reduces stress: return one call, make one decision, place one item in a “documents” folder, or narrow your urn options to one collection (for example, cremation urns first, then keepsake urns if sharing is the plan).
Then, when guilt shows up—“I shouldn’t be able to function,” or “I shouldn’t be falling apart again”—you can answer it with a steadier truth: oscillation is part of coping. You are not inconsistent. You are metabolizing grief.
How to Support Someone Else Without Forcing Grief to Be Constant
If you’re supporting a grieving person, the Dual Process Model can change the way you interpret their behavior. A day of “getting things done” is not proof they’re fine. A day of collapse is not proof they’re regressing. It may simply be the oscillation doing its job.
One of the most helpful things you can say is a sentence that validates both modes: “It makes sense that you can’t stay in grief all day—and it makes sense that grief keeps coming back.”
Support is often most effective when it is concrete. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” consider offering a specific restoration-oriented task that removes burden without taking control: “I can call the cemetery for niche dimensions,” “I can coordinate the group text,” or “I can sit with you while you look at cremation urns for ashes so you don’t have to do it alone.” For pet loss, it might be: “If you want, I can help you check sizing before you choose pet urns or pet figurine cremation urns.”
At the same time, be cautious about pushing someone into loss-oriented conversation when they’re clearly in restoration mode. Sometimes a person is coping by doing dishes, organizing documents, or choosing a cremation necklace that lets them carry a private connection. You can honor that coping style without interpreting it as emotional shutdown.
When to Seek Extra Help
This model normalizes oscillation, but it does not say grief should feel manageable all the time. If weeks and months pass and you feel persistently unable to function, or if you notice escalating substance use, dangerous impulsivity, persistent hopelessness, or thoughts of self-harm, that’s a signal to reach out for professional support. The right help does not “take grief away.” It helps you carry it with more safety and less isolation.
Even without a crisis, grief counseling can be valuable when the restoration side feels overwhelming: family conflict, decision paralysis, complicated relationships, or the relentless drain of responsibilities. Sometimes the most practical reason to seek help is simple: you deserve support while you are doing something hard.
Grief does not move in a straight line, and neither does healing. If you take one thing from the Dual Process Model, let it be this: going back and forth is not a betrayal of your love. It is often the way love survives loss—and finds a shape that can live in the world again.
