When someone dies, flowers often arrive before the words do. They are beautiful, comforting, and traditional. But more and more families are choosing memorial donations in lieu of flowers, asking people to honor their loved one with a gift to a charity or cause instead. Giving in someone’s name has become a widely accepted, meaningful way to remember a life and “do some good” at the same time.
If you’re planning a service right now, you may feel torn. You want to respect your loved one’s values, give people clear guidance, and avoid sounding demanding or ungrateful. You might also be wondering how to handle the practical side: how to ask for donations instead of flowers, how to keep track of gifts, and how to thank people afterward.
This guide walks through each step—from choosing a charity for memorial gifts to sample wording you can use in obituaries, programs, and online memorials, to simple systems for tracking and acknowledging memorial gifts. Along the way, we’ll talk about etiquette, taxes, and how to balance donations with the reality that some people will still send flowers.
Why Families Choose Memorial Donations Instead of Flowers
For many families, asking for donations is about turning grief into action. A memorial donation is almost always appropriate when requested “in lieu of flowers,” and is often deeply appreciated because it creates something positive in the person’s name.
Families choose this path for different reasons. Sometimes a specific organization—like a cancer center, hospice, animal rescue, church, or school—played a major role in their loved one’s life or care. Other times, the person was passionate about certain issues: environmental causes, music education, veterans’ services, or local food shelves. A donation lets that passion continue beyond their lifetime.
It can also be practical. Large flower arrangements are expensive, and they fade quickly. When an obituary says “in lieu of flowers,” the family is inviting people to direct that same generosity to a contribution instead; sending a donation in that situation is considered the primary, respectful response.
That doesn’t mean flowers are forbidden. Most etiquette guidance says it is acceptable to send a modest arrangement as well, especially from close family, as long as you honor the donation request first.
Choosing a Charity or Cause That Reflects Their Life
The most important part of choosing a charity for memorial gifts is alignment with your loved one’s story. You don’t have to find the “perfect” charity, but you can look for a meaningful connection.
Some families choose:
- A hospital, hospice, or disease-specific nonprofit that provided care or research
- A community organization where they volunteered or participated
- A faith community, school, or scholarship fund
- A cause that reflects a lifelong passion, such as animal welfare, the arts, or environmental conservation
If the person talked about charitable giving, check old emails, social media, or tax records for clues. You can also ask close friends or relatives which causes mattered most.
Funeral.com’s Journal article How to Plan a Funeral in 7 Steps: Honoring a Life with Care suggests weaving values into every part of the ceremony—from readings and music to memorial projects after the service. Choosing the right charity is one more way to reflect who they were.
If your family can’t agree on a single organization, you can:
- Name two or three options, such as a disease foundation and a local charity
- Invite people to donate to the charity of their choice “in memory of” your loved one
- Create a memorial fund that you’ll distribute later, once you’ve had time to decide
Whatever you choose, try to keep the instructions simple and specific so guests know how to act on your wishes.
How to Ask for Donations Instead of Flowers
The phrase “in lieu of flowers” has been used for decades, but not everyone likes it. Some funeral professionals feel it sounds stiff or negative, and suggest softer language that focuses on what you do want rather than what you don’t.
No matter which phrase you prefer, the key to how to ask for donations instead of flowers is clarity and kindness. You’re not ordering anyone; you’re giving them guidance.
Funeral.com’s article How to Write an Obituary: Step-by-Step Guide with Examples and Templates includes a section on adding memorial fund or charity details, and notes that online obituaries are especially flexible—you can add links directly to donation pages so people don’t have to search.
Sample wording for memorial donations in an obituary
You can adapt these sample wording for memorial donations to fit your tone and faith tradition:
- “In memory of Emma, the family welcomes memorial donations in lieu of flowers to the ALS Association.”
- “To honor David’s passion for music, please consider a contribution to the Central City Youth Orchestra instead of flowers.”
- “The family kindly requests that, in place of flowers, donations be made to Hope Hospice in Maria’s name.”
- “Flowers are welcome, or memorial gifts may be directed to the American Heart Association.”
This kind of “both/and” wording is helpful if older relatives feel strongly about sending flowers, while younger friends lean toward donations.
Including donation details in a funeral program
Programs are a natural place for including donation information in a funeral program. You might place a brief note on the back or inside cover:
- “If you wish to remember Lydia with a gift, the family has designated the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org). Please note ‘In memory of Lydia Chen’ with your donation.”
- “Memorial gifts in Thomas’s honor may be made to St. Matthew’s Food Shelf. Envelopes are available in the lobby today.”
You can also mention any memorial donation pages on funeral home sites or on online memorials, where guests can read the obituary, leave messages, and follow links to charities.
Wording for online memorials and social posts
For online tributes, you can be a bit more conversational:
- “If you’re wondering how to help, one of the best ways is a donation to City Animal Rescue in Ben’s name. They gave us our beloved dog, Leo, and the work meant the world to him.”
- “In lieu of flowers, we’re inviting people to support a scholarship we’ve created in Maya’s honor for first-generation college students. Details are in the link below.”
Because online spaces are easy to update, you can add fundraising progress, photos, or stories about why you chose that particular cause.
Setting Up a Memorial Fund, Scholarship, or Online Page
For some families, a simple one-time donation request is enough. Others are drawn to bigger projects: setting up a memorial fund, creating a scholarship in memory of a loved one, or launching online fundraising for memorial purposes.
Many charities now offer built-in tools for “In Memory Of” pages. These let you:
- Create a custom page with your loved one’s photo and story
- Share the link in the obituary, on social media, or in the service program
- See a running total of donations (sometimes including donor names, depending on privacy settings)
Some funeral homes also offer integrated memorial donation pages on funeral home sites, where guests can click directly from the online obituary to give.
If your goal is a scholarship in memory of a loved one, talk with a school, university, or community foundation. They can help you decide whether to set up a one-time award or an ongoing fund, and what minimum amounts are needed to make it sustainable.
For families handling funeral expenses themselves, it is also acceptable to create a fundraiser to help with costs. Platforms that specialize in funerals and memorials offer templates and examples of online fundraising for memorial purposes, including wording that explains gently but clearly that contributions will support the family with expenses rather than a third-party charity.
Tracking, Acknowledging, and Thanking Donors
Once the service is over, you may suddenly realize you’re not sure who donated what—or even who donated at all. Many charities will send a notification letter or email to the family when a gift is made “in memory of” someone.
To keep things manageable, consider:
- Asking one organized relative or friend to serve as point person for tracking and acknowledging memorial gifts
- Keeping a simple spreadsheet of donor names, contact details, gift amounts (if disclosed), and any special notes
- Setting aside time each week, especially in the first month, to send thank-you cards or emails
Thank-you notes don’t have to mention amounts. Simple wording works well:
“Thank you for your generous gift in memory of Carlos to the American Cancer Society. Knowing his name is helping others means more than we can say.”
Some etiquette sources suggest that a memorial donation in lieu of flowers is often in the range of what someone might have spent on an arrangement—commonly $50–$100—but emphasize that the amount is entirely personal and that any gift is appreciated. You don’t need to acknowledge the size of someone’s gift to make your gratitude clear.
Balancing Flowers, Donations, and Good Etiquette
Even when you clearly request memorial donations in lieu of flowers, you should expect that some flowers will still arrive. Older relatives may be more comfortable sending a traditional arrangement; others may not see the obituary or understand the request. That doesn’t mean they’ve ignored your wishes on purpose.
Etiquette writers and funeral experts generally agree on a few key points:
- If an obituary or program requests donations instead of flowers, honoring that request is a sign of respect.
- It is typically fine to send both a donation and a modest bouquet, especially if you are close family.
- If no guidance is given, either flowers or a memorial donation (or both) are appropriate gestures.
As a family, you can make peace with the idea that arrangements and gifts will vary. You might keep a few meaningful bouquets at home, send some to local nursing homes or hospice units after the service, and focus your own energy on the donation side of things.
If you’re the one deciding what to give and the obituary requests donations, most etiquette sources encourage you to treat that as the primary request. You can still send a small vase or a card if you want something tangible to accompany your note of sympathy.
Keeping the Legacy Going
Requesting memorial donations in lieu of flowers is about more than etiquette or logistics. It’s about asking friends and family to join you in continuing the work, values, and compassion of someone you love.
Months or years after the funeral, you may find new ways to build on that first wave of generosity: adding to the scholarship fund each birthday, organizing an annual fundraiser, or sharing stories about how those memorial gifts made a difference in the world.
Funeral.com’s Journal articles—such as the guides on how to write an obituary and how to plan a funeral—offer additional ideas for honoring values through memorial donations, choosing meaningful keepsakes, and creating ceremonies that feel true to the person you’re remembering.
As you walk through these decisions—about charities, funds, wording, and thank-you notes—try to come back to a simple question: “What would feel like my loved one?” When the answer guides your choices, the donations that follow become more than transactions. They become part of the story of their life.
If you’d like to continue this work, you can paste an article title, a short description, and your recommended keywords, and we can create another long-form Funeral.com article in this same style—focused on helping real families feel more informed, confident, and cared for.
