“In Lieu of Flowers”: How Memorial Donations Work and What to Write in the Card

When you are trying to show up for someone in grief, it is normal to reach for what you know. Flowers. A casserole. A card that says, “I’m so sorry,” because anything longer feels impossible to write when the loss is not yours to carry, yet you still feel it. That is why the phrase “in lieu of flowers” can stop people in their tracks. It sounds formal, almost like a rule, and it can raise practical questions at the exact moment you are already worried about doing the wrong thing.

Here is the reassuring truth: most families who use that line are not trying to make things complicated. They are trying to make grief more meaningful, more manageable, or more aligned with who their person was. Sometimes the request is about honoring a cause. Sometimes it is about limited space, allergies, or not wanting dozens of arrangements to go to waste. Sometimes it is about reducing pressure on mourners to buy something “nice enough.” A memorial gift charity is, for many families, a way to turn love into action.

This guide will walk you through the in lieu of flowers meaning, the mechanics of memorial donations etiquette, how to notify the family without sharing amounts, and exactly what to write when donating in memory—both in a card and in an online note. We will also touch on related planning choices families often juggle at the same time, from funeral planning to cremation and memorial options, because real life rarely separates these decisions neatly.

What “In Lieu of Flowers” Really Means

An obituary line that says obituary in lieu of flowers typically means the family is inviting people to honor the deceased with a donation instead of sending floral arrangements. It is less a command and more a preference—one that is usually tied to something personal. A longtime teacher may be honored through a scholarship fund. A person who loved animals might be remembered through a shelter. A faith community might request gifts to a church or ministry. A family who received exceptional care may ask people to donate to the hospital unit, hospice program, or patient assistance fund that helped them through a difficult season.

Sometimes families also choose this wording because flowers can be logistically hard. Arrangements arrive quickly, need water, take up space, and often have a short lifespan. A donation can feel quieter, longer-lasting, and easier to handle while the family is in the thick of arrangements. Funeral.com has additional guidance on how families request and manage these gifts in Memorial Donations in Lieu of Flowers: How to Request and Manage Gifts in Someone’s Honor.

If you are wondering whether the family will know you gave, that is a normal concern—and it is why good donation etiquette focuses on notification, not amounts. The goal is to let the family feel held by the gesture without turning grief into accounting.

How Memorial Donations Usually Work

Most memorial donations fall into a few common patterns. The obituary might include a direct link to a donation page, instructions like “please note ‘In memory of…’,” or a mailing address for checks. Some charities have dedicated “in memoriam” forms that ask for the honoree’s name and the family’s mailing address so the organization can send an acknowledgment card to the next of kin. In other cases, especially with local causes, the family may set up a memorial fund through a church, a community foundation, or a scholarship committee.

Here are the most typical ways you will see it presented:

• A donation link in the obituary or on a funeral home memorial page
• A request to mail a check to a charity, church, or foundation with a memo line noting the person’s name
• A memorial fund managed by a community organization that tracks gifts and shares totals with the family
• A fundraiser page created by a family member when a cause does not have an easy memorial donation option

If you want help translating a family’s request into wording that feels kind (not cold or overly formal), Funeral.com’s “In Lieu of Flowers” Wording: Donation Language That Feels Warm is a helpful companion—especially if you are the one writing the obituary or coordinating details for multiple relatives.

How to Donate Respectfully

When you donate in someone’s memory, you are doing two things at once: you are giving to a cause, and you are sending a message of care to a grieving family. A respectful donation keeps both parts in mind.

Follow the family’s lead when possible

If the obituary lists a specific organization, start there. Families usually choose a charity for a reason, and following that preference is one of the simplest ways to show care. If multiple charities are listed, it is fine to pick the one that resonates most with you. If nothing is listed and you are considering giving anyway, choose a cause that was clearly connected to the person’s life, or ask a close family member if there is a preference.

If you are the family and you are still trying to choose a destination that feels like the person you love, Funeral.com’s Choosing a Memorial Charity: Turning “In Lieu of Flowers” into a Living Tribute walks through how to pick something authentic and workable.

Use the “in memory of” fields carefully

Many donation forms include fields like “honoree name,” “tribute type,” and “notification recipient.” Fill these in whenever you can. It is the cleanest way to ensure the family receives a note that someone donated, even if you do not send a separate card. If the form asks whether the family should be told the amount, you can typically choose to withhold it. If there is no option, you can still keep the amount private by notifying the family yourself without mentioning a number.

Do not treat the donation as a performance

Grief is not a place for comparison. The most considerate approach is to give what you can, quietly, and focus your message on the life that was lived. In general, it is best not to post donation amounts publicly unless the family has specifically asked for fundraising visibility. Even then, many people choose to share the cause rather than the number.

Keep proof for yourself, not for the family

If you need a receipt for tax or recordkeeping reasons, save it for your own files. The family does not need it, and sending screenshots of donation confirmations can unintentionally shift the emotional weight onto them. A simple note is more comforting than documentation.

How to Notify the Family Without Sharing Dollar Amounts

Families typically learn about memorial gifts in three ways: a notification card from the charity, a message in an online guestbook, or a sympathy card you send directly. Any of the three can be appropriate. The key is to keep it simple, keep it private, and make it easy for the family to receive.

If you are sending a card, you can mention the donation briefly, without any detail about the amount. Think of it as saying, “I honored your person in the way you asked,” and then returning to what matters most: your sympathy, your memory, and your support.

If you are leaving a note online, the same rule applies. Online memorial pages can feel public, even when they are intended for friends and family. If you want to acknowledge a donation, do it without numbers. This is the heart of notify family donation etiquette: confirmation without comparison.

What to Write in the Card When Your Gift Is a Donation

If you are stuck, that does not mean you do not care—it means you are human. A good donation message sympathy card does not need to be poetic. It needs to be true. It helps to include three elements: your condolence, the fact of the donation (briefly), and one personal line that connects to who the person was.

Here are a few options you can adapt. Choose the one that sounds most like you.

• “I’m so sorry for your loss. I made a memorial donation in in memory of [Name]. Holding you close in my thoughts.”
• “With love and sympathy. In honor of [Name], I donated to [Charity/Cause]. I hope it brings a small measure of comfort to know how many people care.”
• “I will always remember [Name]’s [kindness/laugh/steadiness]. A donation has been made in their memory, with love.”
• “Please accept my heartfelt condolences. I made a memorial gift to [Charity] to honor [Name] and the values they lived.”
• “In lieu of flowers, I donated to [Cause] in [Name]’s honor. I’m here for you—today and in the weeks ahead.”
• “Thinking of you with deep sympathy. A gift has been made in memory of [Name]. I hope you feel surrounded by love.”

If you want to add a personal memory but you are afraid it will make the family cry, it may help to remember this: tears are not a failure. Many families say that specific, ordinary memories—“I’ll never forget how they…”—become the lines they return to later. Keep it gentle and brief, and let it be real.

What if you do not know the charity name?

If you donated through a link and you do not remember the exact organization, you can still write, “I made a memorial donation in [Name]’s honor, as requested.” If you want to be more precise, check your email receipt. If the family asked for a specific charity, naming it can reassure them you followed their wishes.

What if you already sent flowers and then saw “in lieu of flowers”?

This happens more than people admit. If the family asked for donations and you have already sent flowers, you do not need to “fix” it by making a second gift unless you genuinely want to. Flowers are still an expression of care. If you do choose to donate as well, keep your note simple and do not apologize at length. The family does not need extra emotional labor.

If You’re the Family: Making “In Lieu of Flowers” Clear and Low-Stress

If you are the one writing the obituary or coordinating details, you may be surprised by how much pressure this small line can carry. You are not only choosing a cause—you are trying to anticipate questions, prevent confusion, and protect your own energy while grieving.

What helps most is clarity. Include the charity name, a direct link if possible, and one sentence that tells people how to designate the gift (for example, “please note ‘In memory of…’”). If you want wording that feels warm rather than transactional, you can borrow structure from Funeral.com’s donation wording guide, and if you want a practical overview of tracking and thank-you notes, the article on requesting and managing memorial donations can reduce the feeling that you have to invent a system while exhausted.

It can also help to decide, in advance, how you want to handle acknowledgment. Some families prefer to send individual thank-you notes. Others choose one public message of gratitude after services. Either is acceptable. The goal is not perfection; it is sustainability.

Memorial Donations and Other Ways Families Choose to Remember

Even when an obituary says “in lieu of flowers,” families often still make other memorial choices—sometimes quietly, sometimes as part of a ceremony, sometimes weeks or months later when the initial shock softens. This is where grief and funeral planning intersect: you can honor a life in more than one way, and you do not have to decide everything immediately.

In the U.S., cremation is now the most common form of disposition, which shapes how many families think about long-term remembrance. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the U.S. cremation rate is projected to be 63.4% in 2025. According to the Cremation Association of North America, the U.S. cremation rate was 61.8% in 2024. Those numbers matter here for one simple reason: when a family is deciding what to do next, the conversation often includes both a charitable tribute and questions like what to do with ashes and keeping ashes at home.

If your role is to support a grieving family, you do not need to lead them into these choices. But you may hear them. You may hear someone mention cremation urns because they want the remains kept at home in a way that feels peaceful, not clinical. You may hear siblings talk about keepsake urns because they want to share a small portion of ashes across households. You may hear a spouse mention cremation jewelry—often cremation necklaces—because they want closeness that can travel with them on ordinary days.

If you are the family making these decisions, it can help to know there are practical guides and gentle options that do not push you to commit before you are ready. Many people start by choosing a primary urn and letting everything else come later. Funeral.com’s guide on how to choose a cremation urn can help you match an urn to your actual plan, whether you want something for home display or eventual placement. If your family is comparing categories, browsing cremation urns for ashes can give you a sense of styles and materials, while the more specific collections for small cremation urns and keepsake urns are useful when your plan involves sharing or a smaller memorial space.

For families memorializing a beloved animal companion, the same themes show up with extra tenderness. People often choose pet urns and pet urns for ashes because pets were family. If you are looking for options, Funeral.com’s pet cremation urns include both classic and personalized designs, while pet figurine cremation urns can feel like a tribute that reflects a pet’s presence. If multiple people want a portion, pet keepsake cremation urns are designed for sharing. For a deeper walkthrough, Funeral.com’s how to choose a pet urn guide covers types, sizing, and personalization in a calm, practical way.

For wearable keepsakes, the goal is usually security and simplicity. The cremation jewelry collection includes multiple styles, and the more focused collection of cremation necklaces is helpful if a necklace is what you have in mind. If you are new to these options, Cremation Jewelry 101 answers the questions families tend to ask first.

And if you are weighing where ashes will live—at least for now—Funeral.com’s guide to keeping ashes at home covers safety and respect in a way that reduces anxiety. For families considering a shoreline or ocean farewell, the article on water burial explains the practical meaning behind common questions like distance requirements and planning the moment.

Cost also shapes decisions, and it is okay to say that out loud. If you are trying to understand how much does cremation cost in broad terms and what is typically included, Funeral.com’s cremation cost guide offers a clear overview. For consumer guidance on comparing funeral home prices and understanding itemized costs, the Federal Trade Commission provides a funeral costs and pricing checklist you can use to ask better questions.

Memorial donations fit into this wider landscape not because they replace other forms of remembrance, but because they give families a way to let love extend outward. A donation can be the public tribute, while an urn, jewelry piece, or quiet home memorial becomes the private one. Many families find comfort in having both.

Frequently Asked Questions