Most people know they should have a legal will to say who receives their money and property someday. Far fewer have heard of an ethical will or taken time to write a final letter to the people they love most.
Yet when families talk about what they treasure after a death, they almost never start with bank accounts or furniture. They talk about a handwritten note tucked in a drawer, a voicemail they saved, a story their dad used to tell, or a blessing their grandmother always gave. Those small, personal traces often feel more precious than any physical inheritance.
That is where ethical wills and legacy letters come in. They are part of what some attorneys and planners call values-based estate planning—a way to pass on your values, stories, and love, not just your financial assets. These messages do not replace your legal will or your advance directives, but they add something the legal paperwork cannot: your voice, your heart, and your perspective on what matters most.
This guide walks through what an ethical will is, how it differs from a legal will, and how to begin writing or recording your own messages—whether you are healthy and planning ahead, living with a serious illness, or already working on other end-of-life planning documents. It pairs naturally with Funeral.com’s guides Advance Directives and Living Wills: Making Medical Wishes Clear Before the End of Life, The Importance of Pre-Planning Your Funeral, and Writing a Eulogy: How to Capture a Life in Words, so you can think about both the practical and deeply personal sides of your legacy.
What Is an Ethical Will?
An ethical will—sometimes called a legacy letter or spiritual will—is a message you create to share your values, stories, hopes, and love with the people who matter most to you. It can be handwritten, typed, audio, or video. What makes it an ethical will is not the format but the purpose. You use it to talk about who you are, what you have learned, what you are grateful for, and what you hope your family will carry forward.
Unlike a legal will, an ethical will does not decide who gets which possessions and it usually has no legal force at all. Instead, it focuses on your non-financial legacy: your beliefs, your stories, and your sense of what a good and meaningful life looks like. Many people include reflections on faith or spirituality, family history, life lessons, and blessings for children and grandchildren. Others keep it very simple, focusing on just a few key messages they want heard.
You can think of an ethical will as a message that says, “Here’s who I am, what I’ve learned, and what I most want you to remember,” written for the people who will need those words after you are gone.
Final Letters vs. Ethical Wills
The phrases ethical will, legacy letter, and final letter get used in different ways, and it is easy to get tangled in definitions. In practice, they often overlap.
A final letter is usually written to a specific person—a spouse or partner, a child, a sibling, a close friend. It might begin with “Dear Alex,” and speak directly into that one relationship. These letters tend to be shorter, very personal, and focused on reassurance, gratitude, and love.
An ethical will is often addressed more broadly—“To my family,” or “To my children and grandchildren”—and gathers your values, key stories, and reflections in one place. It may be intended for more than one generation to read.
Some people write one longer ethical will and then add shorter final letters to certain people. Others simply write a series of letters and never use the term “ethical will” at all. There is no single “right” format. What matters is that your words sound like you and feel meaningful to the people who will receive them.
How Ethical Wills Fit Into End-of-Life Planning
When you look at end-of-life planning as a whole, each piece plays a different role. Your legal will and any trusts you set up handle property and finances. Your advance directives and living will explain what kind of medical care you want if you cannot speak for yourself. Funeral.com’s guide Advance Directives and Living Wills: Making Medical Wishes Clear Before the End of Life focuses on that medical side—how to make sure your wishes are clear before a crisis.
Your funeral and cremation plans sit alongside those documents. Guides such as The Importance of Pre-Planning Your Funeral, Why Pre-Planning a Funeral Is a Gift to Your Family, and How to Plan a Meaningful Funeral Service explain how planning ahead eases stress, lifts financial burdens, and ensures your story is honored the way you want it to be.
An ethical will or legacy letter adds the human voice behind all of that. It answers questions like: Why do these choices matter to me? What kind of life do I hope you will build after I am gone? How do I want you to remember me, not just in a service, but in everyday moments?
Taken together, your legal documents, funeral plans, and ethical will form a more complete picture: the “what,” the “how,” and the “why” of your final wishes.
Why These Messages Matter So Much
Families who have received an ethical will or final letter often describe it as a touchstone. In the first numb days after a death, it can be something solid to hold onto—a voice in familiar handwriting or a recording they can replay. Later, when hard decisions arise or when grief flares on anniversaries and holidays, the letter can serve as a quiet guide.
For children and grandchildren, especially those who are very young when someone dies, these messages can become a primary way they get to know the person’s character and values. A story about a grandparent’s first job or a move to a new city can be retold for years, the way stories from a eulogy often live on in family conversations. Funeral.com’s guide Writing a Eulogy: How to Capture a Life in Words is a useful companion piece: it shows how personal stories and values fit together when you are trying to describe a life.
For the person writing, the process can bring its own healing. Many people find that sitting down to write an ethical will helps them make sense of their own story, come to terms with mortality, and create a “non-material legacy of love.” It can surface pride, sorrow, gratitude, and sometimes a surprising sense of peace, knowing that important words will not be left unsaid.
What to Say: Values, Stories, and Messages of Love
You do not need a perfect outline to begin. Most ethical wills and final letters tend to touch on a few common themes.
One is values. You might describe how you were taught to treat people, what success means to you, or why kindness and honesty matter more to you than titles or possessions. These are the heart of values-based estate planning: the things you hope will anchor the people you love long after paperwork is forgotten.
Another is story. Instead of writing, “I worked hard,” you might talk about a specific job, what it took to show up every day, and what you learned about resilience. Instead of, “Family is important,” you might describe the small traditions that held your own family together—Sunday dinners, road trips, or the way you celebrated holidays. These concrete details make your values feel real and memorable.
Love and gratitude are almost always at the center. Many people use these letters to say “I love you” plainly, to thank children or friends for specific acts of care, and to name what they admire in each person. They might write about the joy of watching a child grow into adulthood, the comfort of a long marriage or partnership, or the steady presence of a friend who stayed close during hard seasons.
Hope also has a place. Without trying to control anyone’s path, you can describe what you hope your family will carry forward— perhaps that siblings will stay in touch, that children feel free to make their own choices, or that loved ones will keep traveling, laughing, and living fully even while they miss you.
Finally, some people use ethical wills to gently acknowledge regrets and offer or ask for forgiveness. They might name times they were distracted, harsh, or afraid, and say they are sorry. They might also offer forgiveness to others. Written with humility and without pressure, these paragraphs can become a powerful part of a family’s healing.
Choosing a Format That Fits You
There is no rule that says an ethical will must be handwritten on special paper or recorded with professional equipment. The best format is the one you will actually use.
For some, a handwritten letter feels most natural. The handwriting itself can be a comfort later. Others prefer to type so they can revise more easily and print copies for several people. Some people find that speaking comes more easily than writing; they record an audio message or a short video on a phone or computer.
You might use a mix. For example, you could write a longer legacy letter that explains your values and life story, then record a brief video blessing or a favorite poem for your children or grandchildren. If you are already using Funeral.com’s advance directives guide or a funeral planning checklist from one of our pre-planning articles, it can help to simply add “ethical will or legacy letter” to that same list, so this personal piece of your planning does not get lost in the shuffle.
When to Write: Now vs. “Someday”
It is easy to think of a legacy letter as something you do “later,” when you are older or when a serious illness appears. But many people find that starting earlier—and treating it as a living document—feels better.
Some treat their ethical will like a journal they add to after major milestones: births, graduations, moves, new jobs, losses, recoveries. A short dated entry every few years can build into a rich record over time. Others sit down during a specific season—a health scare, a major surgery, or while updating a legal will and pre-planning a funeral—and create a first version all at once.
Both approaches are valid. You might start with a simple one-page letter “for now,” knowing you can update it. The important thing is that something exists, even if it is not perfect. Legal documents like wills and advance directives are often revised over time; your ethical will can evolve in the same way.
Privacy, Timing, and Who Should See It
You have choices about who sees your ethical will and when.
Some people share their letter while they are still alive. They might read it aloud at a family gathering, give copies to their children, or use it to start deeper conversations about medical wishes, funeral plans, or spiritual beliefs. Others prefer that the letter be opened only after their death, often after the funeral or on a specific date. Still others do a mix: a general values-focused ethical will shared in life, plus private final letters that are delivered later.
The “right” choice is the one that feels most peaceful and honest for you. If you think sharing now would open doors and heal tensions, that might be the direction to go. If you worry it would create conflict you cannot help manage, you might decide to wait.
Funeral.com’s grief resources, such as When Grief Feels Overwhelming: How to Cope After the Loss of a Loved One and Navigating Grief: What to Expect and How to Cope, can be helpful to share alongside a legacy letter. They give your family practical tools for the emotional work that comes after reading your words.
Where to Keep It and How to Make Sure It’s Found
A beautiful letter does not help if no one knows it exists. It can be as simple as placing a printed copy with your other important documents and telling someone you trust where to look. You might keep it with your legal will, your advance directives, or your funeral pre-planning paperwork, and tell your executor or a trusted family member that it is there.
If you create an audio or video message, think about where it will live and who has access. A labeled folder on a secure cloud drive, a password manager entry, or a clearly marked flash drive can all work, as long as someone knows how to find and open it. A simple note—“My ethical will and letters to the family are in the blue folder in my desk drawer; please make sure they are given to my children and grandchildren”—can make all the difference.
Just as you revisit your will and funeral planning from time to time, you can revisit your ethical will too. Adding a date to each update helps your family see how your thoughts evolved over the years.
How to Start When You Feel Overwhelmed
Many people delay writing because they feel intimidated. They worry about saying the “wrong” thing, leaving someone out, or not having enough wisdom to share. Others fear they will become too emotional.
It can help to shrink the task. Instead of trying to write your entire ethical will in one sitting, you might start with a single question: “If I could make sure they remember one thing about me, what would it be?” or “What do I wish I had heard from my own parents or grandparents?” Write one page in response. That page, by itself, is already a meaningful legacy letter.
You can also borrow structure from other writing you may already be working on. Funeral.com’s guide Writing a Eulogy: How to Capture a Life in Words
