The first work message after a death can feel impossible to write. You may be in shock, making family calls, and suddenly responsible for logistics that don’t wait—travel, paperwork, services. Work can feel distant and urgent at the same time. This is why bereavement leave policies matter: they’re a practical bridge between a life-changing loss and the expectations of a normal workweek.
This guide explains what you can ask for, how to speak with HR, and what to do if the policy doesn’t fit your situation. If you want a companion resource you can share with a manager, Funeral.com also has a practical overview of bereavement leave and time off work after a death.
The simplest way to tell work
You don’t need a long explanation. A short message is enough: “A close family member died. I need time off starting today. I’ll share updates as I can.” Then ask one direct question: “Can you point me to our bereavement leave policies and the process for requesting leave?” This covers the essentials without oversharing.
If you’re anxious about being judged, remember that you’re not asking for permission to grieve—you’re communicating a temporary change in availability. Your only job in that moment is clarity.
What the policy usually covers
Most workplaces expect you to start by checking your employee handbook (or HR portal). Look for three things: how the company defines who counts as immediate family at work, how many days are offered, and whether the time is paid or must be taken as PTO.
In the U.S., leave rules vary because there’s no single federal requirement for paid funeral leave. The U.S. Department of Labor explains that federal wage law (the FLSA) does not require employers to pay for time not worked, including attending a funeral. That’s why your employer’s policy (and sometimes your state law or union contract) matters so much.
Even so, many employers do offer bereavement leave. The Society for Human Resource Management reported in its 2025 benefits survey executive summary that bereavement leave was offered by 89% of employers surveyed.
When “immediate family” doesn’t describe your life
If your relationship isn’t listed—because it’s a grandparent, an aunt who raised you, a chosen-family member, or someone you cared for—you can still ask. Keep it factual and brief: “This person was my primary caregiver,” or “I’m responsible for arrangements.” If HR requests proof, documenting the relationship if asked is often as simple as an obituary link, a service notice, or a short written explanation.
It can help to know that some official systems define family broadly. The U.S. Office of Personnel Management explains how federal employees may use sick leave for family care and bereavement and lists a wide range of relationships considered family for leave purposes. Even if you’re not a federal employee, this can give you language for your own request—especially if your caregiving role is the clearest “proof” that time off is reasonable.
Paid vs unpaid leave and how people stack time
Understanding paid vs unpaid bereavement leave helps you plan. “Paid” may mean a dedicated set of days, or it may mean you can apply PTO without penalty. When the official days run out, many employees use a mix of PTO and sick time—what people often search as using vacation or sick days for mourning—because it’s the quickest way to extend time without fighting for an exception.
If your employer can’t offer more days, flexibility can still reduce pressure. Consider requesting flexible schedules after a loss, such as remote work or reduced hours during grief for a short window, fewer meetings, or a phased return. Funeral.com’s guide on going back to work after a death or pet loss offers practical ways to pace your first days back, including what to say to coworkers, what to delegate, and how to protect your concentration.
How to ask for more support
When you need additional time, the strongest requests are specific, time-bound, and tied to your ability to keep doing your job. One simple structure often works: start by naming what you’ve already used (“I’m scheduled to return after my three bereavement days”), then name what remains (“I still have travel and arrangements next week”), make a concrete request (“I’m requesting two PTO days” or “I’d like to work remote through next Friday”), and propose a check-in (“Can we reassess my workload on Monday?”). This keeps your request clear and makes it easier for your manager or HR to approve quickly.
This approach is also useful for talking to HR about grief needs because it stays grounded in logistics and performance, not in proving the “size” of your grief.
Freelancers and gig workers without formal leave
If you’re a contractor, gig worker, or self-employed, grief can be financially sharp. Freelancers and gig workers without formal leave often need a quick, repeatable plan: one message to clients, one revised deadline, one backup contact if you have one. Many clients respond well to clarity: “I’m dealing with a death in my family. I’ll be offline for three days. I can deliver X by next Wednesday.” This is also part of self employed people planning time off—creating a plan you can reuse instead of reinventing your boundaries in crisis.
In calmer seasons, planning can reduce future pressure. Funeral.com’s guide to preplanning your own funeral or cremation explains what to put in writing so families have fewer urgent decisions when time is limited.
Advocating for better bereavement policies
Sometimes a loss reveals a bigger gap: the policy exists, but it’s too rigid or too narrowly defined. If you want to advocate for change, focus on a proposal HR can implement: a clear baseline, flexible add-ons, and manager guidance so decisions are consistent. That’s what advocating for better bereavement policies often looks like in real workplaces—less “please make an exception,” more “here is a standard that will help everyone.”
It can help to frame your idea as writing internal proposals for policy change with practical components: how requests are approved, what documentation is reasonable, and what “extra support” options are available (remote work, adjusted schedules, PTO use without penalty, EAP referrals). Those are the building blocks of a grief informed workplace culture, and they make it easier to support peer support at work after a death without putting the burden on the grieving employee to educate everyone.
Research suggests employees want support rather than silence. The New York Life Foundation’s 2024 State of Grief Report reported that 70% of surveyed respondents said they would want help and support through their grief.
For employers looking for models, some state frameworks show how bereavement can be handled with clear rules and humane flexibility. Oregon’s Oregon Family Leave Act includes job-protected bereavement leave for eligible employees, limited to two weeks per family member and up to four weeks per year. Many workplaces use state models like this as a starting point for manager training—especially for training supervisors on bereavement and building long term flexibility for ongoing grief needs into performance expectations.
When leave overlaps with funeral planning
Many people use leave days for arrangements, and final disposition decisions are changing. The National Funeral Directors Association reports that the U.S. cremation rate is projected to reach 63.4% in 2025, more than double the projected burial rate of 31.6%. That shift means more families are making decisions about where ashes will rest, who will receive keepsakes, and how to plan a memorial on a timeline that works for traveling family.
If cremation is part of your plan, you don’t have to choose everything immediately. When you’re ready, you can browse Funeral.com collections without pressure: cremation urns for ashes, small cremation urns, keepsake urns, pet urns for ashes, and cremation jewelry and cremation necklaces.
If you’re considering keeping ashes at home or an eco option like water burial, it may help to read first and decide later. Funeral.com’s guide to keeping ashes at home walks through safety and household comfort, and its memorial service guide explores what to do with ashes in a way that’s practical and respectful. If you’re trying to make decisions quickly because work time is limited, the cost guide on how much does cremation cost can help you plan with fewer surprises.
A gentle next step
Grief doesn’t follow policy timelines. Take the days you can, ask for the flexibility you need, and remember that advocating for yourself is also a way of protecting the people who will grieve after you.
