Walking into a wake, a viewing, or a visitation can feel strangely hard—especially if you haven’t been to one in years, or if you’re worried about “doing the right thing.” Most families aren’t looking for perfect words or flawless etiquette. They’re looking for presence. They’re looking for people who cared enough to show up, even if they feel awkward, even if they don’t know what to say, even if they can only stay a short while.
It also helps to remember that modern services come in many forms. In the U.S., cremation is now the majority choice; the cremation rate is projected at 63.4% in 2025, according to the National Funeral Directors Association. That means you may attend a visitation where there is no casket present, or where the mood is softer and less formal, or where a small table holds photos, candles—and sometimes cremation urns for ashes instead. None of that changes the heart of why you’re there: to offer steady, human support.
Wake, viewing, or visitation: what’s the difference?
People use these words differently depending on region, culture, and faith tradition, but you can think of them this way: a wake is often a gathering connected to tradition (sometimes with prayers, sometimes longer hours, sometimes more community flow), a viewing centers on paying respects with the body present, and a visitation is a time for family and friends to come through, offer condolences, and share stories—whether or not there is a body present.
If you’re unsure what kind of event it is, the obituary or funeral home page usually gives gentle clues: “visitation hours,” “viewing,” “wake service,” “family receiving friends,” or “calling hours.” When in doubt, you won’t offend anyone by arriving quietly, speaking softly, and following the lead of the room. That’s the core of wake etiquette and viewing etiquette in any setting.
What to wear to a wake or viewing
The goal is to look respectful, not impressive. Think “wedding guest but muted,” or “job interview but kinder.” In most cases, solid colors, modest cuts, and comfortable shoes are the safest choice—especially if you’ll be standing in line or walking through a cemetery afterward.
Black is always acceptable, but it’s not required. Navy, charcoal, dark green, gray, and soft neutrals are common. If you know the family is holding something more personal—like “wear Dad’s favorite color” or “team jerseys welcome”—then that request becomes the etiquette.
If you’re worrying about what to wear to a viewing, focus less on rules and more on practicality. Choose shoes you can stand in without fidgeting. Bring a light layer because funeral homes and churches can run cold. Keep fragrance minimal—grief can make smells feel intense, and many people are sensitive.
If you’re attending after work, come as you are. The only truly “wrong” outfit is one that calls attention to itself in a way that makes the day heavier for the family.
What to say to the family
Most of us freeze because we think we need a line that fixes something. You don’t. You just need something real and simple.
If you’re unsure what to say at a wake, these kinds of phrases are always appropriate: “I’m so sorry. I’m really glad I could be here.” “I loved them. I’m going to miss them.” “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here.” If you knew the person well, a short, specific memory can be a gift—“I keep thinking about that time when…”—as long as you keep it brief in the line and save longer stories for later.
If you didn’t know the person well, you can still be sincere: “I’m a friend of Maya’s from work. I wanted to come support you.” That matters. It tells the family their loved one’s life reached beyond the walls of home.
One gentle guideline: avoid turning the moment into advice. “They’re in a better place” comforts some people and stings others. You don’t have to gamble. Stick with compassion and presence.
How long to stay at a visitation
For most visitations, how long to stay at a visitation is shorter than people think. If it’s a formal visitation line, 10–20 minutes can be completely appropriate: arrive, signing the guest book included, offer condolences, and leave quietly.
If you’re close family or a close friend, you may stay longer—especially if the gathering includes seating areas, food, or storytelling. Let the room guide you. If the family looks overwhelmed, a shorter, calmer visit can actually be kinder. And if you’re part of the “support team” (helping with rides, kids, logistics, or simply being a familiar face nearby), staying longer can be genuinely helpful without needing to make a big show of it.
There’s no rule that says you must linger to prove you cared. Showing up is the thing.
The guest book, flowers, and cards
Signing the guest book matters more than it seems. Months later, families often look back at it and feel held by the evidence of community. Write your name clearly, and if there’s space, add a short note like “Thinking of you,” “With love,” or “Your neighbors from Oak Street.”
If you’re wondering about sending flowers or a card, follow the obituary. Some families request donations “in lieu of flowers,” and honoring that request is good etiquette. If there’s no guidance, either choice is fine. A card with a specific memory can be as meaningful as flowers—and sometimes more, because it can be reread on a hard day.
If you bring a card to the visitation, there is usually a basket or table for cards. If you don’t see one, you can hand it to a staff member or someone who appears to be coordinating.
Bringing children to a wake or visitation
Bringing children to a wake depends on the child and the family’s comfort, not on a universal rule. Children can attend respectfully, and for many families it’s a healthy part of learning what love and goodbye look like.
If you do bring a child, a quick, gentle “preview” helps: tell them what the place might look like, what people might be doing (crying, hugging, praying), and what their job is (stay close, speak softly, follow your lead). If there will be an open casket and your child might see the body, decide in advance whether you want them in that line. Some kids are calm, some are frightened, some are curious in a way adults misread. None of those reactions are “bad.” The kindest move is to give them a choice if they’re old enough, and to step out if they’re overwhelmed.
And if your child gets restless or noisy, you won’t be the first. Just step outside for a reset. Most families will feel tenderness toward you for trying, not judgment.
Common mistakes people worry about (and what matters instead)
People often fear they’ll commit a major etiquette error, but most “mistakes” are tiny and forgivable. If you’re trying to avoid common mistakes at wakes, the simplest approach is to make the day easier, not more performative: silence your phone fully before you enter, don’t take photos unless the family has clearly invited it, keep conversation gentle and relevant, and if there’s a line, don’t block it with a long conversation at the front.
If you’re anxious, remember this: grief doesn’t grade you. It responds to kindness.
When cremation is part of the service
Because cremation is so common now, you may see a visitation before cremation, after cremation, or with no remains present at all. The Cremation Association of North America reports the U.S. cremation rate was 61.8% in 2024 and projects continued growth. Some families place a photo, a candle, or an urn on a table. Others wait until later, when they’ve chosen a permanent resting place.
If the family is using cremation urns as part of a memorial display, treat the space the way you would treat an open casket area: approach calmly, don’t touch anything unless invited, and avoid loud conversation nearby.
This is also where practical questions sometimes arise in a whisper: what to do with ashes, whether keeping ashes at home is “okay,” or whether the family will scatter. If you’re a guest, it’s usually best not to lead with curiosity. Let the family bring it up. If they do, listening with warmth is the etiquette.
If you’re part of the family and you’re in that overwhelmed stage of decisions, it can help to browse options quietly when you have emotional bandwidth—starting with cremation urns for ashes, small cremation urns, and keepsake urns.
For families who want closeness without a visible urn in the home, cremation jewelry and cremation necklaces can be a quieter, wearable form of remembrance.
And if the death you’re honoring is a beloved animal, the etiquette is the same—show up, speak gently, don’t minimize the loss. Practical options often include pet urns for ashes, including pet cremation urns, pet figurine cremation urns, and pet keepsake cremation urns when families want to share a small portion among relatives.
A quiet note about funeral planning and cost
Sometimes etiquette and logistics collide. A family may choose a visitation because it creates a place for community support—even if they’re keeping everything else simple. If you hear families talking about money, it’s not tacky; it’s reality. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the national median cost in 2023 for a funeral with viewing and burial was $8,300, while the median cost of a funeral with cremation was $6,280. That doesn’t mean every arrangement costs that, but it explains why funeral planning conversations often include both emotion and numbers, and why people ask, quietly, how much does cremation cost.
If you’re the one making decisions and you need a calmer place to start, these Funeral.com guides are designed for exactly that moment: How Much Does Cremation Cost?, Keeping Ashes at Home, Cremation Jewelry 101, Understanding What Happens During a Water Burial Ceremony (for water burial questions), and How to Choose a Cremation Urn.
It’s also very common for families to want both scattering and a “home” memorial. NFDA notes that among people who prefer cremation for themselves, 37.1% would prefer to have their remains kept in an urn at home, and 10.5% would like them split among relatives. That’s part of why keepsake urns and small cremation urns have become such an important option: they let different family members feel close in a way that matches their comfort.
If you can’t attend, you can still show care
Sometimes the most polite thing is to stay away—because of illness, travel, timing, or emotional limits. If that’s you, a short message that says, “I’m thinking of you; I’m sorry I can’t be there, but I care,” is meaningful. A card mailed after the service can land in a quieter moment, when support has thinned out and the family is sorting through the first wave of mail, flowers, and silence.
Closing thought
Whether you’re learning wake etiquette, viewing etiquette, or simply trying to show up in a way that feels steady, the truth is simple: grief doesn’t require perfection. It responds to kindness. Arrive gently. Say what’s true. Stay as long as you can. Leave without making a scene. And trust that your presence matters.
