When someone dies, most families are not thinking in legal terms. They are thinking in human terms: Who is going to call the siblings? Who is going to choose the obituary photo? Who is going to sit with Mom and make sure she eats something? And then, often sooner than you expected, a funeral home, hospital, or crematory asks a practical question that can feel abrupt: “Who has authority to make the decisions?”
If your loved one left clear written instructions, this moment is usually easier. If they did not, many states rely on a default order—what people commonly call a next of kin hierarchy or right of disposition hierarchy—to decide who can authorize arrangements. Understanding that hierarchy is not about being cold or “too legal.” It is about reducing confusion, preventing conflict, and allowing a family to focus on what matters: honoring a life with dignity.
This guide explains the usual decision order families encounter, where it commonly requires a majority of adult children (or siblings), how “next of kin” differs from legal authority, and what you can do through funeral planning to avoid a painful stalemate.
Why this question comes up more often now
In the U.S., cremation has become the majority choice. The National Funeral Directors Association reports a projected cremation rate of 63.4% for 2025, and the Cremation Association of North America reports a 61.8% U.S. cremation rate for 2024. When cremation is common, more families run into paperwork that requires a clear “yes” from the person who can legally sign—especially for cremation authorization, disposition permits, and decisions about what to do with ashes.
Those decisions are not only about “cremation versus burial.” They can include whether remains will be kept in an urn at home, scattered, placed in a cemetery, or divided among relatives. NFDA also publishes consumer preference data showing that many people who prefer cremation envision their remains being kept in an urn at home, scattered, or even split among relatives—choices that can involve more than one household and more than one opinion. When a family is grieving, a lack of clarity about who decides can turn a practical decision into a conflict that delays everything else.
“Next of kin” versus “legal authority” (and why the difference matters)
People use “next of kin” as a general phrase meaning “closest family.” In everyday conversation, that is fine. But in funeral and cremation decisions, what matters is legal authority—the person the law recognizes as having the right to control disposition. That legal authority may be a spouse, an adult child, a parent, or a sibling, depending on who survives and what your state’s law says. It may also be someone your loved one appointed ahead of time.
This is where families sometimes get surprised: the person who is “doing everything” may not be the person who can legally sign. Conversely, the person who can sign may not be the person the family expected. In some states, a designated agent or a health care power of attorney can have priority. For example, California’s statute lays out an order that begins with an agent under a health care power of attorney, followed by the surviving spouse, then adult children (often by majority), and so on—along with a process for resolving disagreements if equal-priority relatives cannot agree. You can see that structure reflected in California Health & Safety Code language reproduced by the Santa Clara County Medical Examiner-Coroner’s office here.
Also, “executor” or “personal representative” is not always the same thing as “person who can decide disposition,” especially in the first days after death when probate has not begun. Sometimes an executor is empowered in the will to carry out arrangements, and sometimes state law gives that authority elsewhere. The practical takeaway is simple: if you are trying to avoid confusion, do not assume that a will alone solves the immediate question of who signs the cremation authorization or directs the funeral home.
The usual next-of-kin decision order families encounter
While the details vary by state, many families experience a familiar pattern when a death occurs without clear written instructions. The default order often looks like this:
- A person formally appointed by the deceased (such as a designated agent in a valid document, or in some states a health care agent with disposition authority).
- A surviving spouse (and in some states, a registered domestic partner treated similarly).
- Adult children (sometimes requiring agreement by a majority of adult children).
- Parents.
- Adult siblings (sometimes requiring a majority of adult siblings).
- More distant relatives, or in limited circumstances a public administrator or court direction.
If you are reading that list and thinking, “That seems straightforward,” you are not wrong—until you put real families inside it. Blended families, estrangement, geographic distance, and second marriages can make “simple hierarchy” feel anything but simple. That is why it helps to understand not only the order, but the places where states often require a majority.
Where “majority rules” shows up (and why it can stall everything)
The phrase majority of adult children funeral decisions sounds like a technical detail, but it becomes very real when there are three or four siblings with different relationships to the deceased. Many states do not want one adult child to outrank the others by default, so they require a majority when multiple adult children share equal priority. Florida’s proxy statute, for example, explicitly uses majority language for adult children and for adult siblings here. California’s statute also includes majority language for adult children and describes what happens when equal-priority relatives cannot agree, including the possibility of petitioning the court for an order here.
In practice, funeral homes try to help families avoid conflict. They may ask for signatures from all adult children, or ask for written confirmation that a majority agrees, even if the law technically permits less than unanimous consent. This can be frustrating in the moment, but it usually reflects a cautious attempt to prevent a dispute that could later result in a complaint, a legal claim, or a demand to halt the process after plans are already underway.
If your family is already in this situation, it often helps to stop trying to solve every emotional issue at once. Many families can reach agreement when they narrow the decision to the next concrete step: direct cremation versus a service first, a timeline that allows travel, or whether there will be one primary urn plus keepsakes. Once the “shape” of the plan becomes clear, it is easier for siblings to say yes to something that feels respectful.
Common confusion points families run into
“What if the spouse is separated?”
Families often assume that separation removes a spouse’s authority. In many states, a spouse remains the spouse unless there has been a legal divorce, a disqualifying court order, or a valid document appointing someone else. This is a place where emotion and law can diverge. If you are planning ahead and you know a relationship is complicated, it is one more reason to put your wishes in writing and name an agent clearly—so your family is not forced to argue about what your relationship “should” mean.
“Do stepchildren count the same as adult children?”
In many states, “adult children” in a disposition hierarchy means legal children (biological or adopted), not stepchildren, unless the stepchild was legally adopted or state law specifically includes them. That does not diminish a stepchild’s grief or their role in the family. It simply means that if you want a stepchild to have decision-making authority, the safest path is to appoint them in writing where your state allows it.
“Who pays versus who decides”
Another point of conflict is financial: a person may assume that paying means deciding. Sometimes the person who signs also signs a contract and becomes responsible for payment; sometimes the estate pays; sometimes relatives share costs. But payment responsibility and the right of disposition are not always identical concepts. This is why clear funeral planning—even a simple written plan plus a funding method—can protect both the decision-maker and the relationships in the family.
“What happens if relatives truly cannot agree?”
When equal-priority relatives cannot agree, a funeral home may pause until the dispute is resolved, or it may ask for a court order. Some statutes explicitly describe petitioning a court when relatives with equal rights cannot reach agreement, as California’s code discussion does here. This is also why some families choose a temporary plan—such as holding the cremated remains in the temporary container—until a memorial date and final placement can be chosen with more time and less pressure.
How this connects to urns, jewelry, pets, and the “after” decisions
Once the immediate authorization is complete, families often enter a second wave of decisions: how to memorialize. This is where the earlier question—who has authority—quietly continues to matter. If one person can legally direct disposition but the family wants everyone to feel included, a thoughtful plan can provide both clarity and flexibility.
Many families choose one primary urn for the “home base” memorial and then create smaller keepsakes for close relatives. If you are exploring options, Funeral.com’s collection of cremation urns for ashes can help you get oriented, and the small cremation urns and keepsake urns collections are often where families land when they want a shared plan rather than a single point of contention.
For some, the most comforting “keep close” option is cremation jewelry—especially cremation necklaces that hold a tiny portion of ashes. If that fits your family’s needs, you can browse cremation jewelry and cremation necklaces, and many families find it helpful to read a calm, practical overview first: cremation jewelry 101.
And because pets are family, too, similar questions arise after pet cremation—often less legal, but just as emotional. If you are choosing pet urns or pet urns for ashes, Funeral.com’s pet cremation urns collection and the specialized pet figurine cremation urns and pet keepsake cremation urns collections can make the options easier to compare. If you want guidance that feels less like shopping and more like support, this Journal guide is a strong starting point: pet urns for ashes.
Finally, for families deciding on scattering, cemetery placement, or water burial, the plan matters as much as the urn. If burial at sea is being considered, the U.S. EPA provides a clear overview of conditions under federal law, including the well-known “three nautical miles” requirement for ocean placement here. Funeral.com also has practical reads that help families translate rules into real planning: water burial and a plan-based guide for urn selection scattering vs. water burial vs. burial.
How to avoid confusion next time: one practical step that protects everyone
If you are planning ahead, the gentlest gift you can give your family is clarity. That does not have to mean a complex legal project. It can be as simple as appointing the right person, writing down your wishes in plain language, and making sure your key people know where to find the document.
Many states allow an “appointment of agent” style document, and some government agencies publish sample forms. Texas, for example, provides an Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition form through the Texas Funeral Service Commission. Even if your state uses a different format, seeing a real template can help families understand what “designating an agent” means in practice: a named person, successors, and clear authority to act.
It is also wise to keep your state’s rules handy, because cremation next of kin rules by state can differ in details like waiting periods, permit requirements, and who must sign. Funeral.com maintains a hub that helps families find state-specific information in one place: U.S. cremation guide by state. For pet families, there is a parallel resource: U.S. pet cremation guide by state.
When you pair “who decides” with “what the plan is,” everything gets calmer. If your plan is cremation, it helps to leave guidance about the urn: whether you want a single primary urn, whether you want keepsake urns or cremation jewelry for close relatives, and whether you prefer ashes kept at home, scattered, or placed in a cemetery. If keeping ashes at home is part of your plan, this guide addresses the practical and emotional questions families usually have: keeping ashes at home.
And because money can intensify conflict, it can help to write down what you want and how it will be paid for. NFDA reports a national median cost of $6,280 for a funeral with cremation (including a viewing and funeral service) in 2023 here. For a practical breakdown that helps families understand ranges and line items, Funeral.com’s guide is a helpful companion: how much does cremation cost.
A closing thought for families in the middle of it
If you are navigating these decisions right now, it may help to hear this plainly: confusion does not mean your family is failing. It means you are grieving while trying to make time-sensitive choices. The purpose of a default hierarchy is not to “pick a favorite.” It is to give the funeral home and the family a way to move forward when there is no clear written direction.
If you can, focus first on the decisions that must happen immediately—authorization, timing, and basic arrangements. Then give yourselves permission to slow down on the “after” decisions, like the final urn, cremation necklaces, or a scattering date. Many families find that once the first urgent step is complete, they can return to memorial choices with a clearer mind and a softer heart.
