Most people want to do the right thing when someone dies. Then the moment arrives—at a visitation, in a text thread, in a sympathy card—and your mind goes blank. If you’re looking up how to offer condolences, it usually means you care, and you don’t want to accidentally make grief harder.
The reassuring truth is that condolences do not need to be eloquent. They need to be real. A good condolence message is simply an acknowledgement of loss, a sign of presence, and an offer of support that doesn’t demand anything from the grieving person. You’re not trying to fix grief. You’re trying to stand near it.
What Condolences Are Actually For
Condolences are not advice, and they’re not a pep talk. They’re a way of saying, “I see what happened, and you are not alone.” When people ask what to say when someone dies, the most helpful answer is that you can keep it simple and still be deeply kind. Many grieving people remember the people who showed up quietly far more than they remember the exact phrasing.
If you’re writing to someone you don’t know well, short and respectful is often best. If you’re writing to someone close, you can add one specific memory or trait that feels true. Either way, clarity and sincerity matter more than length.
What to Say: A Simple Formula That Works
If you want a structure you can rely on in any situation, use this three-part approach:
- Acknowledge the loss.
- Name your support.
- Reduce pressure (no need to respond, take your time, I’m here).
That’s it. You can do it in one sentence or three. You can do it in a card, text, email, or conversation. This is also the easiest way to avoid accidentally turning condolences into advice.
10+ Condolence Message Examples You Can Use
These condolence message examples are written to work in most situations. Choose one that fits your relationship and voice, and add the person’s name if you can.
- “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.”
- “Please accept my condolences. I’m here for you.”
- “I was very sorry to hear about [Name]. Sending you love and strength.”
- “I’m holding you in my thoughts during this difficult time.”
- “I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care.”
- “I’m so sorry. If you want company or quiet support, I’m here.”
- “Thinking of you and your family. Please take all the time you need.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
- “I’ll be thinking of you, especially in the days ahead.”
- “I’m so sorry for your loss. No need to respond—I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.”
- “Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. I’m here to help in any way I can.”
- “I’m keeping you close in my thoughts. I’m so sorry.”
Short Sympathy Messages for Texts
Condolence texts are usually best when they’re brief and low-pressure. These are ready-to-send.
- “I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.”
- “I just heard. I’m here for you.”
- “Sending love. No need to reply.”
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “Holding you in my thoughts.”
Sympathy Card Wording: Slightly Longer Notes
For a card, you can usually add one extra sentence without making it feel heavy. If you knew the person who died, naming a trait or memory can be comforting.
- “I’m so sorry for your loss. [Name] was clearly deeply loved. I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything.”
- “Please accept my condolences. I will always remember [Name]’s [kindness/laughter/warmth]. Sending you comfort.”
- “I’m holding you and your family in my thoughts. Please take gentle care of yourself.”
- “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you in the days ahead, not just today.”
What to Say in Person When You’re Caught Off Guard
In-person moments can be the hardest, because grief makes silence feel awkward even when it’s normal. If you’re at a service or you run into someone unexpectedly, you can keep it simple:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I’m glad I could be here today.”
- “I’m thinking of you.”
- “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here.”
- “I’m so sorry. [Name] mattered.”
If you feel yourself overexplaining, it’s usually a sign to return to a simple sentence. Presence matters more than length.
What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
When people search what not to say grieving, they’re usually afraid of making things worse. The phrases below are often meant kindly, but they can land as minimizing or pressuring because they imply the person should feel better, sooner, or differently.
- “They’re in a better place.” (unless you know the person shares that belief)
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least…” (anything that starts with “at least” often minimizes pain)
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “You have to be strong.”
- “Let me know if you need anything.” (not wrong, but often too vague to use)
You don’t need to replace these with something clever. Replace them with something steady: “I’m so sorry,” “I’m here,” and one specific offer.
Condolences Etiquette: How to Offer Help Without Creating Work for Them
Condolences etiquette is mostly about not making the grieving person manage you. That means avoiding advice, avoiding questions that require long replies, and avoiding pressure to respond quickly.
If you want to help, the best offers are specific and easy to accept. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try one concrete option that fits your relationship.
- “I can drop off dinner on Tuesday—would that help?”
- “I can pick up groceries this week. Send a list if you want.”
- “I can take the kids to the park Saturday afternoon.”
- “I can make a few calls or handle a task if you want help.”
- “I can sit with you quietly if you don’t want to be alone.”
Specific offers matter because grief drains decision-making. The easier you make it to accept help, the more likely your support will actually land.
How to Follow Up After the Funeral (When Support Often Drops Off)
Many grieving people say the hardest part comes later—after the service, when life “returns to normal” for everyone else. A simple follow-up message a few weeks later can mean more than the initial flood of condolences.
- “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you holding up today?”
- “No need to respond—just sending care.”
- “I’m here if you want company this week.”
- “I’m remembering [Name] today.”
If you’re worried about reopening sadness, you’re not. Grief is already present. You’re simply acknowledging it.
When You’re Unsure What’s Appropriate
If you don’t know the person well, keep your message short and neutral. If the person is religious and you share that tradition, prayer language can be comforting. If you don’t know their beliefs, avoid assuming. If the death is complicated, avoid statements about what the relationship “must have been” like. The safest approach is always the same: acknowledge the loss, name your support, and reduce pressure.
And if you want to do something tangible, consider a memorial gift that doesn’t require a big decision—such as a card with a meal delivery gift card, a simple care package, or a donation in the person’s name if the family has requested it. Many families also appreciate keepsakes that honor the person privately, like a framed photo, a printed program, or a small memorial candle.
A Final Note: Sincerity Beats Perfect Words
If you’re still worried you’ll say it wrong, choose the simplest sentence you can say sincerely: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.” That is almost always enough. When you send condolences with steadiness and without pressure, you’re doing what people actually need: reminding them they don’t have to carry grief alone.
