How to Include Kids in a Scattering Ceremony (Kids at Ash Scattering)

When families talk about including children in a scattering, they’re usually balancing two truths at the same time. One is practical: the day has real logistics—travel, weather, permission, a container, a plan. The other is tender: kids grieve in their own way, often in waves, and they deserve a place in the story if they want it. A scattering can be one of the first moments a child sees adults name love out loud after a death, and that matters more than getting the words perfect.

If you’re planning kids at ash scattering and you’re unsure what’s “appropriate,” it may help to start with a broader view of what families are doing right now. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the U.S. cremation rate is projected to be 63.4% in 2025, and their consumer preference data also shows how varied “what comes next” can be—keeping an urn at home, scattering, splitting among relatives, or choosing a cemetery placement. The Cremation Association of North America reports a U.S. cremation rate of 61.8% in 2024. In other words, your questions aren’t unusual. More families are doing this, and more families are figuring it out one gentle decision at a time.

This guide is designed to help you include kids without overwhelming them, and to make the moment feel calm—whether you’re scattering on land, planning a water burial, or still deciding what to do with ashes. Along the way, you’ll see options for a primary urn, sharing keepsakes, and memorial items that can support children and adults differently—because grief is never one-size-fits-all.

Start with choice, not pressure

The most child-centered approach is also the simplest: invite, explain, and let them choose. Many grief specialists emphasize that preparation and choice matter more than age. The Dougy Center encourages families to invite children to rituals without forcing a particular decision, and to explain what will happen ahead of time so children can feel oriented rather than surprised.

That guidance translates especially well to scattering. A child can be part of the day without being responsible for the “main moment.” Some kids want to stand close and watch. Some want to take a small role. Some want to stay back, hold a hand, and leave early. All of those are valid forms of participation.

It can help to frame the invitation in a way that makes it safe to say yes or no: “We’re going to have a small moment to say goodbye at the lake. You can come if you want. You don’t have to touch anything. If you come and it feels too big, we can step away together.” This protects your child from feeling trapped, and it also protects you from trying to manage a meltdown at the exact moment you’re trying to breathe.

Explain what scattering is in plain language

Kids usually do better with clear, simple explanations than with euphemisms. If they ask what cremation is, you can say: “Cremation means the body is changed into ashes. The ashes aren’t scary, and they aren’t ‘dirty.’ They’re what’s left after the body is finished.” If they ask why people scatter, you can say: “Some families keep ashes at home. Some bury them. Some scatter them in a place that mattered. We’re choosing a place that feels like love.”

If you’re in the stage of keeping ashes at home while you decide, that can be comforting to name out loud: “We’re keeping the ashes safely for now, and we’ll choose the right time together.” If you want a practical guide for storage and household safety, Funeral.com’s Journal article Keeping Ashes at Home: A Practical Safety Guide can help you set up a stable “home base” while you plan.

Define what “including kids” actually means

Sometimes parents picture a child pouring ashes and immediately feel unsure. The good news is that involvement can be gentle and creative. Many families find it helpful to think in layers: “presence,” “role,” and “aftercare.” Presence means they attend and witness. Role means they do one small action that feels meaningful. Aftercare means they have a comforting ritual afterward that helps their body come down from the intensity of the moment.

Here are a few roles that often work well for kids, depending on age and temperament. None of these require a child to handle ashes unless they truly want to.

• Choosing a song for the car ride there or the quiet moment after
• Carrying a small flower, leaf, or note to place near the release point (where allowed)
• Reading one sentence they helped write, or having an adult read it for them
• Holding a parent’s hand while the adult does the release, then helping close the moment (a candle, a “thank you,” a hug)
• Helping choose the location by naming what the loved one enjoyed there
• Creating a small “memory token” to keep afterward (a stone, shell, photo, or drawing)

If your child is older and genuinely wants to participate in the release, many families choose a “shared” approach where an adult holds the container and the child places their hands over the adult’s hands. This keeps the act steady and reduces the chance of accidental spills, especially on windy days.

Plan the logistics around a child’s nervous system

A scattering can look simple from the outside, but for kids it can feel like a lot: travel, unfamiliar adults crying, a serious tone, an outdoor setting, and the intensity of “this is the moment.” Small planning choices can make the day kinder to a child’s nervous system.

Start by keeping the group smaller if you can. Many families find that a small circle is calmer than a crowd—less waiting, fewer competing emotions, and less pressure for a child to “perform grief.” Funeral.com’s guide Scattering With a Small Group: Making It Simple and Meaningful covers practical details (like wind, timing, and permissions) that can prevent the little surprises that hijack an otherwise tender day.

Next, build in “escape hatches.” Choose a spot where a child can step back without feeling like they’re disrupting something sacred. Bring water, tissues, a snack, and a layer for warmth. Decide ahead of time who is the child’s “anchor adult”—the person who can walk away with them if emotions spike, without forcing the primary mourner to split attention at the worst moment.

Finally, rehearse the sequence in simple language the day before: where you’ll stand, what the container looks like, who will speak, and what the child can do if they want to step away. Predictability is calming, especially for kids who are already anxious.

Choose a container that keeps the moment steady

The most common scattering stress is not emotional—it’s mechanical. Wind shifts. A lid sticks. Someone tries to pour too quickly. When kids are present, those hiccups can feel bigger because children tend to notice tension immediately.

If you’re still deciding what kind of urn you need for the overall plan, start with the “home base” decision. A primary urn can be a stable place for the remains even if you scatter a portion later. Funeral.com’s collection of cremation urns for ashes includes many styles families choose for display, and if you want to share small amounts among relatives, keepsake urns are specifically designed for that. If you want something more substantial than a keepsake but still compact, small cremation urns can hold a meaningful portion without being full-size.

This “some stays, some scatters” plan is often the most child-friendly because it reduces the feeling that the scattering is an irreversible, all-or-nothing goodbye. If your family is weighing options, Funeral.com’s Journal article What to Do With Cremation Ashes can help you see the full range of choices without rushing to decide in a pressured moment.

When the location is water, decide between scattering and water burial

Families often say “we’re scattering at the water” when they actually mean two different things: releasing ashes directly into the water, or placing ashes inside a biodegradable vessel that dissolves over time. The second option is often called water burial, and many families find it more contained and less affected by wind—especially with kids present.

If you want a clear comparison, Funeral.com’s guide Water Burial vs. Scattering at Sea explains how the experiences differ in practice. And if you’re exploring eco-friendly options for either water placement or land-based scattering, the biodegradable & eco-friendly urns for ashes collection can help you compare styles like water-soluble urns and scattering tubes.

If your plan involves ocean waters in the United States, it is also worth knowing the federal guidance many families rely on. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency explains burial-at-sea guidance and reporting, including the expectation that cremated remains be buried at least three nautical miles from land and that the event be reported afterward. Charter operators often build this into their routes, but if you’re planning privately, it’s wise to read the EPA’s guidance directly so your funeral planning is grounded in the right framework.

Consider a keepsake plan that fits a child’s age

Parents sometimes worry that keepsakes are “too much” for a child, or that they might create fixation. In reality, the right keepsake can do the opposite: it can give a child a steady, manageable point of connection that isn’t tied to a huge emotional event. The key is matching the item to the child’s maturity and your household’s comfort level.

For younger children, families often choose non-ash keepsakes first—something like a photo, a note, a small charm, or a memory box. For older children and teens, a family might consider a small portion in a keepsake urn kept by an adult, or an item that symbolizes closeness without daily handling of remains.

If someone in the family is considering memorial jewelry, it may help to know how these pieces are designed. Funeral.com’s Journal article Cremation Jewelry 101 explains how cremation jewelry works, what families typically ask about seals and filling, and what to consider before buying. And if you’re browsing styles, the cremation necklaces collection is a helpful starting point for comparing designs that hold a symbolic amount.

Many families find that memorial jewelry is most appropriate for adults or older teens, while younger kids do better with a family-held keepsake that can be brought out during quiet moments. There is no single “right” standard here—only what supports your child rather than escalating anxiety.

If the loss is a pet, let kids lead more

When a family is scattering pet ashes, children often have a different kind of clarity. The bond is direct, and kids can be surprisingly articulate about what they want. If you’re planning a ceremony for a companion animal, you may find it helpful to give children more creative control—choosing the spot, bringing a toy or collar (where appropriate), and saying a simple goodbye in their own words.

For families who want a memorial at home as well, pet urns for ashes come in a wide range of styles, and pet keepsake cremation urns can be a gentle way to share a portion among siblings or between households. If your child wants something that feels like “their pet” rather than a container, pet figurine cremation urns can feel more approachable to kids because they read as a memorial sculpture rather than an abstract object.

Keep the words simple, and let kids hear love spoken aloud

Many families worry about finding the “right” thing to say in front of children. In most cases, the best words are the plain ones. Name the person (or pet). Name the love. Name the act. Then make room for quiet.

If you want a ready-to-read script that stays calm and non-performative, Funeral.com’s Journal article Scattering Ceremony Script: Simple Words for a Calm Moment can give you language you can print and hold in your hand. Kids often benefit from hearing a clear beginning and ending; it tells their brain, “This is the moment,” and then, “We are done, and we are safe.”

After the scattering, consider a “closing ritual” that helps children transition back into the day. It can be as simple as a short walk, a shared meal, or going home to light a candle for a few minutes. The goal is not to manufacture meaning. It’s to create a gentle landing.

Keep an eye on costs without turning the moment into math

Scattering itself does not have to be expensive, but families sometimes find that costs creep in around it: travel, a charter, a biodegradable container, permits, and the long tail of memorial decisions. If you’re asking how much does cremation cost as part of this planning, it may help to separate disposition costs from memorialization costs, so you can see where flexibility exists.

For a clear breakdown, Funeral.com’s Journal article Cremation Cost Breakdown: What You’re Paying For walks through common line items and what typically changes the total. For an external benchmark, the National Funeral Directors Association also publishes widely cited median cost figures for funerals with cremation, which can be useful context when you’re comparing providers or deciding how elaborate a service needs to be.

Often, the most cost-effective choice is also the most emotionally flexible: direct cremation followed by a family-planned scattering or memorial on your own timeline. That timeline can be especially helpful when kids are involved, because it allows them to participate when the shock has softened and the family can be more present.

Frequently Asked Questions