There’s a particular kind of loneliness that can settle in after a pet dies—one that doesn’t come only from the empty bed, the quiet hallway, or the way your body still expects the sound of paws on the floor. It comes from the moment you realize you don’t feel “allowed” to grieve.
Maybe your family’s always been the type to say, “It was just a dog,” or “You can get another cat.” Maybe your partner is kind but uncomfortable, and you can sense the subject is inconvenient. Maybe your workplace is sympathetic in theory, but you can’t imagine saying out loud, “My pet died, and I can’t stop crying.” Or maybe cultural expectations in your community treat pet loss as something you should move past quickly, privately, and without too much emotion.
If you’re carrying secret pet grief—if you feel ashamed of grieving a pet—you’re not strange or dramatic. You’re human. And you’re mourning a relationship that mattered.
Why pet grief can feel “embarrassing” even when the love was real
A pet’s death can bring genuine bereavement, but many people find themselves slipping into hidden mourning after pet death because the loss isn’t recognized the way other losses are. One way clinicians and counselors describe this is “disenfranchised” grief—grief that isn’t fully validated or supported by the people around you. The University of Colorado Denver counseling resource on pet loss explores how pet grief can become disenfranchised when social permission and rituals feel limited.
That lack of permission changes things. It doesn’t erase your grief, but it can twist it into something harder: grief plus self-doubt. Grief plus silence. Grief plus the fear that someone will roll their eyes if you mention your pet’s name.
And silence has a way of rewriting the story in your head: Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I shouldn’t still be crying. Maybe I’m being childish. Over time, those thoughts can harden into shame—especially if you grew up in a home where tears were mocked, emotions were minimized, or “being strong” meant never speaking the painful truth.
What secret mourning does to you over time
When grief has nowhere to go, it tends to show up anyway—just in different places. You might find yourself snapping at people you love. You might avoid the rooms your pet used to sleep in. You might feel numb for weeks and then break down in the cereal aisle because you saw a brand you used to buy for them.
Research on emotion regulation suggests that relying heavily on emotional suppression is associated with worse well-being and relationship outcomes. A widely cited paper on reappraisal vs. suppression discusses these patterns.
This is where private grief responses can become confusing. You might function at work but feel wrecked at night. You might look “okay” to everyone else while carrying a heavy ache that never gets named. You may even start to feel guilty for grieving, which is its own kind of pain—because guilt suggests you’ve done something wrong, when what you’re actually doing is loving.
Naming the shame without letting it run your life
Shame thrives in the dark. It grows when you believe your feelings would be rejected if they were seen. One of the gentlest, most practical shifts you can make is this: don’t force yourself to be brave in public right away. Start by being honest with yourself in private.
Try saying the sentence you’ve been avoiding, even if you whisper it in the car: “My pet died, and I miss them.” Then add the second sentence that shame hates most: “This matters to me.”
If your mind argues back—People will think I’m ridiculous—you can answer with something simple and true: “They might not understand. But understanding isn’t required for my grief to be real.”
Low-pressure ways to express grief when you’re not ready to share it
You don’t have to make a social announcement to stop grieving in secret. You can take small steps that honor your bond while still protecting your privacy.
Give your grief a private place to land
Expressive writing is one of the most researched “quiet” tools for emotional processing. The American Psychological Association discusses how expressive writing can support mental health: American Psychological Association. If writing feels hard, lower the bar. Write one paragraph. Or three sentences. Or a list of tiny memories.
If you want guidance shaped specifically around pet loss, Funeral.com has gentle prompts and approaches in its Journal, including How to Journal Through Pet Loss and Journaling Prompts to Help Process the Loss of a Companion Animal.
Create a ritual that fits your privacy level
Rituals don’t have to be public to be meaningful. You can light a candle for five minutes each night. You can play a song that reminds you of them. You can take a walk on the route you used to walk together. You can write them a letter and keep it in a drawer. The goal isn’t to “move on.” It’s to give your love a shape.
Some people find that having a physical memorial helps, not because it “solves” grief, but because it gives the relationship a continuing place in the home. If that idea feels comforting, Funeral.com’s collection of pet urns for ashes includes many styles and materials.
If you’re not ready for a full-sized urn, keepsake urns can feel like a gentler first step—especially for people who want something small and private. You can browse pet keepsake cremation urns.
And if your pet had a very specific “look” or presence you want to honor, some families choose pet figurine cremation urns, which can be both decorative and deeply personal.
Keep them close in a way that doesn’t invite questions
If part of your hesitation is that you don’t want to talk about it with anyone, cremation jewelry can be a private form of remembrance. A cremation necklace can hold a tiny portion of ashes in a concealed chamber, letting you carry the bond quietly in daily life. Funeral.com’s cremation jewelry and cremation necklaces collections include subtle options that don’t “announce” what they are.
If you prefer something even smaller, cremation charms & pendants can be another discreet choice.
Talk to one safe person, not “everyone”
A common trap of shame is the belief that if you can’t share with everyone, you must share with no one. But you can choose one person—the person most likely to be gentle.
If you don’t know who that is, start with a script that reduces pressure: “I’m not looking for advice. I just need someone to know I’m having a hard time since my pet died.”
Sometimes it helps to share a neutral resource first, especially if the person you’re talking to doesn’t “get it” yet. Funeral.com’s Journal article Grieving the Loss of a Pet: Why It Hurts So Much and How to Cope Day by Day can validate the grief without making you defend it.
When cultural or family norms make pet grief complicated
Sometimes the shame isn’t internal—it’s inherited. In some families, grief is private. In some cultures, emotional expression is tightly bound to what’s considered “appropriate,” and pet loss may not have a clear place. In some households, animals were loved, but never spoken of as family.
If that’s your situation, you can acknowledge the norm without letting it dictate your emotional health. You can say to yourself: “My community may not have a script for this. But I can write my own.”
You can also honor what’s true on both sides: you may respect your family’s style while still choosing expressing grief safely in a way that keeps you whole—through journaling, ritual, a memorial object, or a trusted confidant.
Practical memorial options, when you’re ready to decide what to do next
Grief is emotional, but it also becomes practical—especially when cremation is involved and you’re faced with what to do with ashes. Some people keep ashes at home for a while and decide later. Others choose a memorial step sooner because it gives them a sense of steadiness.
If you’re considering keeping ashes at home, choosing an urn can be part of a gentle funeral planning process for your pet—less about logistics and more about creating a place for love to land. Funeral.com’s guide Choosing the Right Urn for Pet Ashes walks through sizes, materials, and personalization in clear language.
If you’d like a quiet way to personalize, simple engraving can be grounding: a name, a date, a single word that captures the bond. You can explore engravable pet urns for ashes.
And if your heart keeps returning to nature—ocean, lake, river—some people explore options like water burial ceremonies or scattering rituals. Funeral.com’s guide Understanding What Happens During a Water Burial Ceremony explains common approaches and considerations.
None of these choices has to be final today. Grief often moves in phases. You can choose “for now” and revisit later.
When to consider professional support
If you’re reading this and thinking, I’ve been trying to carry this alone, and it’s not working, that’s not a failure. That’s information.
Consider talking with a therapist or grief counselor if:
- you’re struggling to function day to day weeks after the loss
- guilt, shame, or anxiety feels relentless
- sleep is persistently disrupted
- you feel numb, panicky, or stuck in replaying the final days
- you’re withdrawing from everyone because you don’t feel safe being seen
Professional support doesn’t mean your grief is “too much.” It means your grief is real enough to deserve care.
A gentle note before you close this tab
If you’re grieving a pet in secret, try not to make your silence mean your love was smaller. The truth is usually the opposite: you’re quiet because the bond was big—and you’re trying to protect it from being minimized.
You deserve space to mourn in a way that fits your life, your culture, your relationships, and your nervous system. Start where you can. A sentence on paper. A candle. One trusted person. One small memorial decision. The goal isn’t to prove your grief to anyone. The goal is to let yourself be human inside it.
