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Funeral Planning Checklist

There are more than 80 tasks to be done when a loved one passes away. By completing your Funeral Planning Checklist, you will have relieved and minimized the burdens left to your loved ones. When faced with multiple emotional and financial decisions, which must be made quickly and during a time of intense grief and stress, your Funeral Planning Checklist will assist your loved ones in being well prepared and well informed.

Purchasing a funeral should be handled the same way you would purchase any other “big ticket” item. The cost of a funeral is one of the largest purchases you and/or your loved ones will make. However, when a death occurs, there is little time available to research your options. Multiple emotional and financial decisions must be made immediately under great emotional stress.

Planning a funeral, especially if this is the first time you have been required to do so, is a very intimidating process. When we purchase any other “big ticket” items in our lives, we educate ourselves by doing research to make sure we are getting the best value for our money. When we don’t do our research ahead of time and make an instant, emotional decision, we usually end up regretting it in the end. How many times have you made an “emotional purchase”, only to find out later, it was less expensive somewhere else, the item did not meet your expectations or you didn’t really need the item? When purchasing a funeral, emotions should not factor in to the financial decisions. However, if you are unprepared, you will pay too much and purchase items that are not necessary.

I have heard many people say “my family knows what I want” or “I have already told my family what I want done”. In my experience, if your wishes are not in writing, your verbal instructions may not be understood, interpreted or remembered the same way with each person you have told. The result of verbal instructions, especially with multiple loved ones in a very stressful situation trying to assist, is similar to having multiple witnesses to the same auto accident. Each person sees, hears, recalls and interprets the information differently. This lack of specific instruction results in an unfortunate and unnecessary amount of family discourse and misunderstandings.

This guideline for your loved ones will help eliminate the stress and tension of decision making especially if each member of your Support Group is aware of and has reviewed your Pre-Planning Guide. I meet with client after client that share their stories of how the family fought and argued with each other over what mom told who and how dad said to do it.

I know a family that has not spoken to each other since their mom’s funeral, over seven years ago! It must be something major you say? No, they simply did not agree on the color of dress their mother had told them she wanted to wear. Does this seem a bit absurd to you? Unfortunately, it is a very familiar situation for me. Combine family, personalities, opinions, stress and emotions and you have the secret recipe for funeral mayhem! With your detailed Pre-Planning Guide, decisions are made, Support Group is chosen and everyone will literally be on the same page and have the same goals in mind.

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Difference Between a Funeral and Memorial Services

Making funeral arrangements for a perished loved ones, or pre-planning your own funeral or memorial service can be a confusing and overwhelming task.  When making funeral arrangements, one of the first questions you should ask yourself is what type of service is preferred.  Though the terms funeral and memorial service are sometimes used interchangeably, there are some significant differences between the two services. Funeral Service is a service which held to memorialize a deceased person with their body present. A Memorial Service is a service which held to memorialize a deceased person with their body not present.

Funeral Services:
Funeral refers to the ceremonies held prior to the burial of the deceased. The time frame for a funeral is one of the most significant differentiate between a funeral and memorial service. Usually a funeral is held close to the time of the passing of the deceased. Typically funerals are associated with religious or cultural traditions, and can be held within the religious centers themselves, or funeral home or graveside.

Many funeral services include a multi-day gathering time, that process is commonly termed as viewing.  Not all viewings include an open casket.  Some families choose to make the viewing a closed casket event, with individual family members reserving the right to see the deceased privately for final goodbyes. Though this is not always the case, most often funerals are associated with traditional burial services rather than cremation. For this reason, many funerals conclude with a funeral procession to the actual burial site where a final ceremony may be held.

Funeral arrangements for traditional funeral services usually encompasses plans for where the body is to be buried, selection of a funeral home to help with the arrangements, selection of music, eulogists, scripture readings, and selection of a religious officiant.

Memorial Service:
The memorial service has become increasingly popular as families and friends are more dispersed from one another than in previous generations.  Memorial services can occur at anytime after the death of a loved one, and often take place in cities other than where the deceased may have lived or been interred. Memorial services are considered by some to be more secular, or non-religious services, though religious foundations to the service are not unusual.  Memorial services typically are less formal than traditional funeral services and also tend to have a “celebration of life” atmosphere.

Most families adopt a memorial service when cremation is involved.  For this reason many people associate burial with funerals and cremation with memorial services.  However, it has also become more common for families to hold a burial service with a later memorial service to accommodate distant family and friends who may not be able to make travel and work plans quickly enough to participate in the funeral services.

Memorial service planning is not limited to a funeral home setting.  Many families choose to gather at a location of some significance to the deceased, for example a natural setting on a beach or at the home of a family member. Because there are usually fewer costs involved, memorial services also tend to be less expensive options than traditional funerals.  Memorial services can be simply a gathering of family and friends who come together to celebrate the life of the departed.

Making funeral arrangements for a loved one’s demise is an important part of the grieving process.  When choosing between a funeral or memorial service, take time to consider the kind of goodbye ceremony that would have meant the most to the deceased, as well as taking into account the various travel plans necessary for family and friends.

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How Do You Write A Eulogy

It is a bit intimidating to write a eulogy. It is even harder if you are related or had an intimate relationship with the deceased. The good news is that you do not have to put many hours into preparing for a eulogy. So just how do you write a eulogy?

I’m sure you have asked yourself, How do you write a eulogy. There is a simple 5 point structure you can follow to write the best, fastest eulogy. This will help you get through the process fast and effectively.

Beginning

In the beginning of the eulogy, you want to mention who you are. Although this may be obvious to most of the audience, you still want to mention how you are related to the deceased. This can be 1 or sentences depending on how detailed you want to be. You next want to mention the type of person the deceased was. of course you want to keep this as positive as possible. Be sure to talk about how awesome the loved on was. You want to list his morals, the lessons he taught you. You may also want to talk about his beliefs. Some people in the audience will appreciate to see a different side of the deceased. In order to write How Do You Write A Eulogy, you want continue telling a story.

Middle

Now that you shared the views and beliefs, you want to showcase examples of that person’s beliefs. You want to include stories. The point of the eulogy is allow the deceased to shine. It is a good idea to add 1-3 stories. It is okay if you include a funny story as laughter is the best medicine. You can also include accomplishments. This can include personal milestones like spelling bee, 4.0 GPA in college. This can even include employee of the month if you worked with the deceased.

As you make your way to the end of the eulogy, you can include quotes or scriptures that the deceased used. If the deceased didn’t use either, you can use quotes or scriptures that the remind of the deceased. These scriptures or quotes should be uplifting and help the family and loved ones get through the mourning.

You can use quotes in the beginning too. Is this helpful in how do you write a eulogy.

As you wrap up the eulogy, you want to say a few words to the deceased. Use a couple of sentences to talk of how much you will miss them. This can be a great closure technique. This will bring comfort to all that are listening.

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How to Deal With Grief Triggers Long After the Death of a Loved One

Have you been having a good day many months after the death of your loved one and when watching television, see a particular scene or hear a statement, and suddenly you feel the return of sadness and anxiety? Or has a newspaper story of the death of a stranger set off sorrowful memories associated with the death of your loved one?

These and many other seemingly unrelated experiences are commonly the cause of much grieving that can go on for several days. Kim Wencl, whose daughter died in a tragic house fire while at college, had the following experience.

“The bridge collapse in Minneapolis was a trigger for me. It really had nothing to do with my loss (although when my daughter was attending the U of M we traveled it quite frequently, and many of her college friends still live within close proximity to it). But as soon as I heard about it and started to watch the news coverage, I felt almost physically ill and panicky, had difficulty breathing, and experienced immediate and immense feelings of extreme sadness. Despite all of these feelings, I couldn’t get myself to quit watching the coverage—even though after a couple of hours, I realized it was triggering my own grief feelings—which hadn’t bubbled up in almost a year. If you don’t know what a trigger is, (and I don’t think most grieving people do) it is even more unnerving because it comes out of the blue, very quickly, and you don’t understand why it’s happening.”

Here’s what you need to know when something you see, hear, smell or experience brings back the pain of your loss.

1. The experience is normal and common. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not cause the event. It is part of the way we store memories. Sometimes it is the result of unresolved traumatic imprints—highly emotional events that become imbedded in our psyches and our bodies—and may need professional assistance to manage. Both happy and not so happy memories have their triggers. The role of the mind in healing is extremely powerful and at other times extremely limiting. But grief triggers are to be expected. That’s the way memory works.

2. To help defuse the impact of the sudden onset of grief keep telling yourself that what you are experiencing is normal, normal, normal. Say it to yourself: affirming this belief will expand your ability to continue healing. Deal with it by expressing your emotions and finding support persons who understand the phenomena and your need for their listening skills. Regrettably, you may have to educate some of them at this difficult time. Nevertheless, full disclosure of what is happening within can be very useful. Don’t hide your feelings. You are not weak in sharing your plight.

3. Remember that these grief episodes, like all grief responses, have a physical component. You can get a headache, digestive disturbances, feel ill, or not be able to sleep. Thoughts are always transferred to our cells with corresponding physical manifestations. Of course, from the modern perspective of neurochemistry, this also means that joyful and peaceful thoughts can have highly positive effects on your physiology, especially the immune system.

4. Allow the experience to unfold and the pain in your heart to move through and out of you. Here is how Kim put it.

“As to what helped in dealing with that grief trigger experience, I guess the biggest thing was just knowing that what I was experiencing was a grief trigger. Once I had that realization I knew that, if I acknowledged everything I was feeling and just felt it—as opposed to ignoring it or pretending it wasn’t happening—the symptoms would subside, which they did over the course of a day or two.”

The key words in this observation are: acknowledge everything.

Finally, I can’t emphasize enough how individual grief triggers can be. The intensity, extent, and frequency of these events vary immensely among individuals. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one, the emotional investment in the person, and the internal connections made from your precipitating experience—a grief trigger for you may be a complete surprise and thus alarming.

In any event, accepting the experience and not resisting is the best way to disarm and limit the unnecessary suffering that accompanies this loss-related grief response. The transition will require you to shift your thought processes away from focusing on “why me?” to “what can I learn from this opportunity?”

Accepting grief triggers as normal—especially when they come months or years after the death of your loved one—is a manageable and ongoing part of the healing process. We are always healing because we are always dealing with change. And, we bring with us our previous loss experiences to each new challenge. You can meet that challenge.

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