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Grieving a Spouse, Husband or Wife

Grieving a Spouse

Losing a spouse is a devastating experience.  Our friend, our partner, our soul mate is now gone and we are lost.  It feels as if a part of us has died as well.  In my practice, helping individuals deal with the loss of their partner was a common occurrence.  Young or old, surviving spouses had an equally difficult time adjusting to this reality.

Older couples had usually talked about losing one another and had some inkling of how this would affect them.  Younger individuals were never prepared, unless their deceased loved one was involved in some dangerous kind of occupation.  In a few cases, couples came to see me when one of them had recently received a terminal diagnosis and had only months left to live.

In my family, my dad lost our mother when she turned 75.  They had over 50 years of marriage together during which her health had often been in question.  We had all been forewarned of this eventuality.  Despite that, my father went through a rough few years after her passing.  He was hurt and angry and showed his feelings in extreme ways.  He withdrew from his usual activities and grew sullen.  We children spent as much time as possible with him.  Because there were 6 of us, he usually had someone around to talk to.

One of my younger sisters lost her husband in 2004.  He died of cancer at age 55.  She was 48 at the time and they had been married for 27 years.  They had one daughter, aged 25.  This was a devastating blow for my sister.  When the diagnosis came he was given 6 months to live.  My sister nursed him as his health steadily declined.  Again, we siblings rallied and spent as much time supporting her as possible, given we all lived in different cities.

After her husband passed my sister went into a depression and took a leave of absence from her workplace.  At my insistence, she eventually joined a grief group and sought out a therapist in her area.  She had so much of her life invested in her husband; she could barely function after losing him.  She eventually returned to work on a part-time basis, always hoping she could increase her hours to full-time status.  That never happened.  Last year she finally decided to accept early retirement and that’s when her recovery really began.  Today she is dating again, working part-time and enjoying her daughter and son-in-law who married a year after her husband passed.

Although there appears to be some major differences in their adaptation to loss, both my father and sister truly struggled with their grief process.  In our family, dealing with feelings was never modeled as a healthy and functional pursuit.  Lashing out at loved ones and crying uncontrollably was more the order of the day.  It took me 10 years of professional psychology training to learn the healthy forms of emotional expression, forms that I imparted to my clients when helping them deal with the loss of their partner.

This approach to helping individuals grieve their losses came in part from rejecting the unhealthy modeling I received in the home, to be followed by adopting the healthy forms of safe emotional expression that were part of my training.  Dealing with feelings and emotions through journaling, group work and talking to a grief counselor is the key to healing grief of any type.

In the initial stages of the grief experience, this is difficult to adopt because most individuals are in a state of shock.  No amount of good advice will register at this time.  And some individuals try and hang on to their deceased spouse for months and years after the event.  They live their lives in a constant state of tension which unconsciously they are refusing to release.  Healing cannot occur until one chooses the healing path and commits to it.  Therapists, books and other resources will have no effect until the grieving individual decides they are ready to let go of their loved one and allow their recovery to begin.

When you’re ready, healing can begin in earnest.  You will find all the resources and supports you need to navigate this journey.  Until that choice is made, no expert, book or other resource can reach you because you are closed off from help.  Mind you, this was not a conscious choice on your part, but more of a protective survival strategy that we all adopt when dealing with any emotional blow.  When faced with a devastating loss, we typically close ourselves off to try and minimize the emotional pain.

Healing grief requires that we become vulnerable again.  We have to feel the pain of that loss before we can move on.  That’s when reaching for help and guidance will have the greatest benefit.  We are ready to deal with our grief wound now, and we have accepted that professional help in the form of books, support groups and counseling, are essential to managing what we have to face.

http://www.howtocopewithgriefandloss.com/Grieving-A-Spouse.html

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How You Can Help When Someone is Grieving

The death of someone you love is shattering and life altering. The grief  that comes with it can be lonely and disorienting.

Though you may feel totally ill prepared to support a grieving friend, it’s worth making the effort. Uncomfortable visits and avoidance from friends just add to the experience of loss following the death of someone they love.

Being supportive is actually pretty easy when you get past your own fears and discomfort. All that’s needed is an open heart, the ability to stay present and the willingness to listen.

Here are the ways you can support a friend through their grief:

1. Don’t pity them. People who are grieving need understanding and acknowledgement not pity or sympathy.

2. Don’t try to fix it. You can’t. Try being with their pain instead. Don’t take it over but allow yourself to be a witness to their pain. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but witnessing is powerful medicine.

3. Listen to their stories. People who are grieving like to talk about the death, the funeral, and the person who died. Ask questions even when you know the answers. Share photographs.

If you don’t know what to ask, maybe you could share your own memories. People who are grieving usually like to hear what others remember. If you have a photograph hidden away, make a copy and give it to them.

4. Talk about the person who died. When your whole being is focused on someone who has died, it is a burden when the people around you act as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Don’t worry that you’ll be reminding them of their loss. They haven’t forgotten. Generally it’s a huge relief to be able to talk about the person they’re grieving.

5. Allow them to cry or not as the situation warrants. Tears tend to come and go. All you need to do is be present and reassuring. You don’t need to say anything, just sit and wait. Remember tears are healing.

6. Stay in touch. Grief takes a long time but most of the support disappears after the funeral. Often the worst of the grieving happens 6 months later so let them know that you haven’t forgotten them.

Though these are just a few simple things that can make a world of difference, and they will mean the world to your friend who is grieving.

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Understanding the grieving process

One of the saddest and most painful periods in our lives is the loss of a loved one.  Everyone grieves in different ways, some discover grieving is hard and unbearable. Others find it easier and are confident, and can move on with their life more quickly.

Grief can be like a arrow into your heart. It’s pain can feel overwhelming, You may try to avoid it because grief hurts so bad.  Intense feelings of regret or guilt can hinder the healing process. You can become obsessed about how things could have been better, and think about all the things that will never be.

When you are grieving, you may feel a wide range of emotions including: shock, numbness, anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, loneliness or despair. You may also experience feelings of relief, peace, happiness, or a sense of freedom. Your emotions could shift from day to day, or even hour to hour. The grieving process can last for a long time. Your first reaction may be denial when you first loose a loved one. You may ask yourself why the person has left you alone and the denial will set in, and you may refuse to believe they are really gone.

After the initial shock of losing a loved one, including the disbelief that they are gone, the numbness will diminish. Some people will then go through a period of confrontation.

Confrontation can be very painful as you come to accept the truth of your loss. This phase of grieving can last months or longer. It can be a roller coaster ride of distress, despair, and you may experience conflicting and difficult emotions. You may well feel angry with the person who has died or feel guilty that you are alive and your loved one is not. You may cry often, feel disorganized and lack the ability to focus on tasks. You can have difficulty sleeping or getting up in the morning.

Grieving can include; anger, depression, weight loss, weight gain and a variety of other physical and mental conditions. It’s important to take care of yourself, even when it seems impossible. Get plenty of sleep, eat right, and exercise. Try to avoid numbing the pain with drugs or alcohol.

Grief is usually felt in waves or cycles, with periods of intense and painful sensations that come and go. You may feel that you are experiencing less grief and making progress, but then suddenly face a relapse of unbearable grief that you feel is too much to handle.  This can happen during holidays, birthdays, other special occasions or it can happen for no reason. Over time, these periods of intense grieving usually become less frequent and  less intense as you adjust your loss.

Grieving just isn’t forgetting, nor is it drowning in tears.  It’s not a sign of weakness. The first year you can experience loneliness for the first time, especially when anniversaries, birthdays and other occasions roll around.  Grief can last for a year or longer.  It is felt in cycles, with periods of intense emotional pain that come and go. It is important to realize and acknowledge that grieving aids the healing process. The key to handling grief is to recognize that recovery can be painfully slow,

Grief is a natural part of life.  There are some healthy ways to grieve, and unhealthy ways to grieve.  While it is natural to grieve you may continue to struggle with your emotional and mental health, You need to find a way to move on with your life, and put the grief aside while you go about living.  This does not mean you should forget about your loved one that has passed on, but you need to learn to keep living, and learn to deal with your emotions so that can enjoy life again.

During the acceptance phase of grieving, you should try to  adapt to new life without your loved one. Acceptance over the loss of a close person frequently occurs slowly over the course of a year or more. Everyday living doesn’t completely return to normal, but  over time you will find that your daily routine is changing. Fortunately, the process of grieving seems to be built into our genes. Acknowledging and growing from losses seems to be a natural process, You may  re-evaluate your own life.  How you handle grief can be different from how others handle it. Grieving is not a sign of weakness. Grieving and healing go hand in hand. Give the process time. Don’t feel rushed to get over it. Allow yourself to accept your emotions as part of the healing process. Talk to your family, friends, pastor or a counselor  about your sorrow and grief. You need to accept the comfort, help and companionship of other people.

You can help yourself by making some decisions regarding how you will handle family traditions. You might want to continue with some, and begin new ones .

Engage in as many hobbies as you can. By focusing on other things instead of your grief, you can find yourself healing faster. Find new friends and look up old friends. You may still have feelings of loneliness and sadness when you reflect on your memories, but the worst part of grieving will have passed. With time you will be able to move on and enjoy life again.

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How to Comfort a Grieving Person

It is the question we will all wish we knew the answer to, and it surrounds the dilemma if you have not already been faced with, you will be faced with one day. There is no one right answer, no matter how badly I wish there were. There are no two grieving individuals who will cope with their loss the same exact way.

The Introvert Personality Vs. the Extravert Personality During the Grieving Process

Introvert personalities are people who hold a lot in, and are less likely to be open with their thoughts and feelings. An introvert during the grieving process may be someone you find very difficult to read, they probably will not tell you what they need as far as comfort from you. Also, this is an individual who might also try to disguise or hide their true feelings concerning the death of their loved one. People who fall under this personality type are more likely to become self destructive or perhaps even suicidal or violent during the grieving process.

In contrast the person with the extravert personality are likely to openly display their emotions and grief. It is more common for these individuals to make what they are going through known, sometimes even using extreme measures. In many ways these individuals are much more emotionally stable than introverts because they choose not to keep everything bottled up inside. Understanding how to comfort a grieving person with this personality type may be a lot less challenging.

How to comfort a grieving person.

Rather an introvert or extravert our personal experiences play a huge role in how we cope with death. If we an individual is taught and conditioned to express their emotions in a healthy manner, they are more prone to cope positively with death. However, when comforting someone who has just lost a loved one always try to think of that person as an individual and what their personal needs may be. It is common for people to say “I understand what you are going through”, try not to say this because you do not understand. Death impacts each of us differently, and just because you’ve lost a loved one it doesn’t mean everyone who encounters death will be impacted the same.

When all else fails and you are not sure what do or say, make yourself accessible to the person who is in need of comfort. If it is only a simple phone call, drop by their home, or even a “thinking of you” card. Always let the individual know that you want to be there in any way that you can, these are the times people learn who truly cares most for them.

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